Astronotes - Blog Posts

Astrology can sometimes point out 'generational breakers' in someone's chart by looking at some placements, like Lilith, Saturn, Chiron, North Node + Soutu Node, and some more. Generational Breakers can have an ultimate task indicating not wanting kids, not having the desire to have them, ending with a generational ender/bloodline ender

today’s astro observations

let’s be straight (got ya!) but we’ve all got signs we don’t really like. “i like everyone equally” thanks gandhi! not me.

but really, my signs are gemini and aries. i have three personal planets in gem, saturn in aries. but i’ve always had an aversion to that sign for some reason. my bff trev has his moon there. my aunt her moon. my sister her venus. but it wasn’t until my first roommate was an aries and his scorpio moon constantly surprised me with how compassionate, understanding he could be. like i felt understood, or something. idk.

*disclaimer since people lack perception and depth, but this is obviously a personal and subjective opinion, likely due to my negative polarities of cancer and virgo. i am not arguing that any sign is better or worse, inherently*

then i had a romantic fling with an aries man and i’d realized maybe i’ve been a bit too hasty with my judgment. hey, we’ve all been there.

*interestingly* my sun sign, cancer, apparently forms a natural “square” or point of tension, with aries. 🦀⚔️🐏

which is so true …. we be fightin.

cheers everybody xx

well the reason i know this is because moon square mars is also like cancer vs aries. because the moon rules cancer, mars rules aries. or whatever. so this aspect is kinda like that external manifestation inside of myself <3 or at least that’s what i’m telling my lawyer…

i have a bunch of essays to write for school now. if anyones reading my blog, ☄︎ ☄︎

𓀂

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𓀡

(this is a bear friendly blog)

(the gay ones. not sure about

real ones)

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

Sagittarius Eclipse Thoughts

Sagittarius is an important sign for me, because many of my family members, close friends, my ex, and my dog are all sags.

being a cancer sun, we crave comfort and emotional sensitivity. sagittarius is kind of contradictory to this, never being comfortable and always looking to expand. my virgo moon also isn’t very harmonious with this, always wanting things to be organized very neatly and concretely, but not everything can be.

It’s ironic because my only placement is with pluto in the fifth house, but given its aspects to my other planets, and the fact my mom’s a scorpio, I could be considered a plutonic person. Not to mention my sagittarius grandmas moon is in cancer, and i am a cancer sun.

my draconic sun is in sagittarius, and that’s supposedly what your “soul” is. your natal chart is what you are in this lifetime. my draconic moon is in aquarius, and that’s funny because i have an 11th house stellium, which is aquarius’s house. i’ve always liked sags and aquas because i feel so pulled down by my emotions sometimes. im not sure if that’s due to just depression or the fact my sun squares my saturn, which is in the 9th house, the house of sagittarius. my sun is in the 12th house, and honestly i’m learning to love that placement.

i’m writing this post because i can definitely feel the sagittarius energy. last night i felt almost manic, like i NEEDED to move and get out and do something. like it was a strong pull. and that reminds me a lot of my early twenties, how i never can quite stay still. for a cancer, i’m definitely not a homebody! perhaps this is due to my pluto, which is a very energizing planet.

that’s all i have for now, i’m just kind of mapping out my own life and noticing coincidences and patterns through astrology. it’s pretty interesting :)

11th house thoughts

Hi everybody.

I have an 11th house stellium, and I love it. Probably because my venus is in there, der planet of luv, as well as mars, lust et aggression, and mercury, th’ intellect. 

My sun missed it shy of 1° ; had i been born just a few minutes earlier, I would have been an 11th house sun. But I’m a twelfer. Why, might you ask? My mother has an 11th house stellium afterall, so did my ex-boyfriend. Well, if you ask, my father is a twelfth house sun. 

And I’m learning to live with that. 

Just kidding. Anyways, I love my 11th house stellium. If you’re unfamiliar, the eleventh house is ruled by aquarius. Each of the twelve houses in astrology corelate to each of the twelve signs of the zodiac. The planet which governs both this house and sign is the planet of Uranus, which is my favorite one in our solar system :) I did a random generator a guy posted on reddit to find out which planet is dominant in your chart, and when I plugged everything in, I got Uranus. I was actually quite surprised by this, but overjoyed. I love everything uranus represents. Eccentricity, humanitarianism, chaos.

I am a cancer sun, though, and virgo moon. Cancer rules the moon, so wouldn’t that be my dominant planet? Or is it just my chart ruler? I don’t know. But the moon is so fleeting. Kind of chaotic, actually. Since the moon passes each sign every few days, that’s what makes us cancers so moody. We feel the energy of all the signs within a months time. Can you imagine how that feels? constantly knowing what other people are feeling and thinking? Or maybe I’m just imagining it. I am crazy, after all :p

I digress. The 11th house is fabulous. It rules the finer things in life. My ex-boyfriend was a dandy man, took me to fancy restaurants and hotels, the works. I need that sort of thing, I admire and crave it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very in tune with income inequality and the social issues that plague the world. But I still love dressing up in fancy clothes for a decadent night out. I suppose this is attributed to my stellium, but I’ll take it. A stellium by the way is when you have three or more planets in one house.

It’s kind of odd that my mom has an eleventh house stellium because we grew up quite poor. Nothing about her really screams fancy besides the fact that she adores drinking wine, is beautiful, and we live fancier only if you put us in to comparison with poorer people around us. We did grow up wearing nice clothes though. My mom would buy us second hand designer brand clothes like tommy hilfiger. Maybe that’s not designer, maybe that’s just brand name. I’m from Kentucky, give me a break. But we Kentucky fancy, baby.

Uranus being my dominant and favorite planet, is in my 7th house, the house of libra and relationships. Perhaps someone could pull up my chart {in the tags] and enlighten me on why it might be my dominant planet. I might also add that my draconic moon is in aquarius, which is supposely what your ‘soul’ truly is. I don’t quite believe that, because I think the soul is larger and smaller than the twelve signs of our universe. Or maybe just our solar system. At least of our conscience understanding of things at this time. Astrology is just a bunch of symbols made of our world to organize and communicate ieas n information. It’s not much more than that.

I recall being very internet savvy in middle and high school. My north node and chiron are in my third house, house of gemini and communication. All of my 11th house stellium planets are also in gemini. I see this being accurate because I am rather small in frame, standing at 5 foot 9 and weighing 125 pounds since I was thirteen years old. My mouth gets me in trouble, whether it’s from accidentally offending or just not being able to shut up! I would constantly be editing my myspace profile, using html codes, messing with the layout and how it interacted with my profile picture and song, and anything else I added to it. I loved it, and then that transitioned to my tumblr blog which I did in high school. Hopefully tumblr doesn’t die out, it’s definitely not what it used to be. Later when stumbleupon was something, I would look up things about futurism, humanism, design. I loved reading about the future. It made me so freaking excited. Like what will life be like in 2040? So cool! Or 2600? Then it made me sad once I accounted my age into the picture. I don’t wanna be 40! and that’s so far away! I hate waiting. 

I’ll end this post on something interesting I noticed. My boyfriend of a year had an eleventh house stellium. After we broke up, I had two guys I was interested in. I was actually quite torn, because they were both so amazing, but so different. One was elegant and familiar with astrology and addiction issues and had money. He was like this worldly man with fantastic package hehe helped cure this mundane “what’s the point?” feeling I had about learning languages and stuff. He made me feel like there was in fact a point to all of it. He’s a scorpio just like me mum and we just had great chemistry. But I was already seeing a nother guy, who was this gentle, down the earth, all around manly man’s man. I loved him, but in a different way. He was simple, but the first time I slept over at his house, he picked me up in this kinda old but kinda new like beat up stick shift hyudai sedan. He reminded me of Wario. But he had an amazing package as well. we mostly just slept though ,and when I slept with him, I felt like I was back in bed with my father when I was like five or seven years old. I already know how that sounds, and I know the childish bunch of you or dommage who lack a healthy relationship with your father if y’ar, are going to come for me and say that’s gross or messed up or perverted or weird. It’s not. I don’t want to fuck my father, I never have, and I never will. I really don’t want to open this can of worms because I could go on about people I’ve met who have been sexually assaulted by their fathers or who have an incest fetish and I’m not trying to shame any of those people. But, I felt like I was back in bed with my father like i was when i was a kid while I was laying with him, and that was a really, really, really good feeling. I never forgot it. He had an aries sun, which I used to hate aries. It was my least favorite sign, and probably still is tbh, along with aquarius LOL. Oh and his moon was in taurus which explained everything. My dad is a taurus sun, as are my two sisters, my grandpa, and one of my good friends, Chelsea. My moon is in virgo in the second house, which is the house of taurus.

Well, mr. fancy pants had an 11th house stellium, and my down to earth sweet S had a third house stellium. Finding these things out did nothing to absolve my confusion, only added to the ache of not knowing which to choose. Talk about love triangle though. It did make me realize why I was in this predicament though, and I suppose it worked out because I don’t really talk to either guy anymore. But The seventh and third houses are also air houses, just like the 11th. 

11th house - Aquarius/uranus, 

7th house - libra/venus, 

3rd house - gemini/mercury

That’s all for tonight. I’m ever behind on french homework, so I oughtta go take care of that. I want to write on the twelfth house, since my sun is in there as well as my father’s, and why I don’t appreciate its doom and gloom persona. If each house correlates to a sign, then the twelfth’s would be house of pisces. Pisces is the last sign with a bad stereotype. At least from my perception, it’s one of the best. So humanistic and kind. So why is its house the house of prison and addictions and psych wards and have all this hubbub, this &thatt?

Au revoir! -K  ý ll

Astrological Coincidences

this post started off as the importance of saggitarius and cancer in my life. i stayed true to that, but i was not expecting it to evolve into a 4500 word entry. read if you dare, it gets personal and drifts to anecdotes, involving gay unrequited love, but all kinda ties back together. i only scratched about half the surface, but there’s infinite time in the universe for these things. for everything, really. 

Since I started studying astrology some years ago, I’ve noticed a lot of “coincidences”, that I can’t help but feel the universe put there for some higher meaning. For example, I began to notice that most married couples possessed complementing signs. For example, water signs would date or marry other water or earth signs. Air and fire signs would date and marry each other as well. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but it always sticks out to me when a couple possesses two sun signs of opposite polarity. It’s more rare. 

My bishop of my church was a cancer (water) and his wife a saggitarius (fire), and now that I type this out, I realize another coincidence that has been revealed to me over the past few months. I would say Cancer and Saggitarius have been the two signs most on my mind lately. I am a cancer sun, and my pluto is in saggitarius. My draconic sun is in saggitarius, which I was pleased to find out. I’d much rather be a fire sign sometimes than water. Fire signs seem to have it all figured out, and are so confident in themselves. My virgo moon and sun square saturn have given me HELL.

Well, anyway. The bishop and his wife were pretty important to me when I was mormon. I liked them. I loved the church. They were sucessful church members, and good people. I still think about them almost every day, and pray for them and hope they are doing well. It is ironic to me now, that I realize two very important people to me in such a transformative, profound part of my life have these two signs.

My grandmother, who has practically raised me alongside my parents, has a saggitarius sun and a cancer moon. My cousin brenda is a saggitarius sun, so is my best friend Zoe, and my favorite dog Prince. My pluto is in saggitarius, and whether thanks to my scorpio mother or my aspects (sun quincunx pluto, moon square pluto, mercury & mars, and maybe even venus since they’re all conjunct, opposite pluto. A Harsh aspect I may add! jupiter semisquare pluto, saturn trine,uranus sextile, neptune sextile, trine ascendant, sesquidrate midheaven. whew!), I would consider myself a pretty plutonic person. It took me some years after high school to realize that most people do not operate at the level of depth I feel I do. It makes me lonely, batsh*t crazy, intimidating, and sadly, feared. I’m tempted to delve into my mercury opposite pluto and how that completely destroyed my mental health, but I wanna stay on topic.

Well, I guess this is a good segue then. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I Suppose it’s the cancer thing. Time and time again I would fall in love with “straight” men [they were predominantly straight acting/behaving but I know at least one of them messed around with dudes, the other one I don’t really care, and the other is likely a closet case) but anyways, I would fall in love with these straight men. 

The first time was sophomore year, I fell deeply in love with someone and would think about him all day every day. I would dream about him, imagine scenarios with him that would never occur, but I kept it all a secret. Maybe it was part infatuation, but maybe it was deeper. He reminded me of Jake Gyllenhaal, also a saggitarius! who was my absolute favorite actor. Although I eventually got over my love for him, it did kind of hurt me in a way, whether it be from low self esteem or just carrying a secret like that. I’ve always been tempted to blame my mood “disorder” or psychological problems on being gay, but even per the gay community I am eccentric. Weird. Crazy. 

The next unrequited love was during a summer leadership program before my first year of college. I was extremely ambitious. I wanted to be a CEO, a millionaire. The next big actor or entrepreneur. And it felt possible! at least, for a moment...

Well, there was a handsome fellow in the program, and I became fixated on him. I thought about him constantly, wondered if he thought about me, too. Of course, part of me kind of knew he wasn’t, but what was so confusing to me at this point was why would I be feeling so deeply and strongly about this guy if he wasn’t feeling the same way about me? Perhaps that’s where the delusions start. I don’t know, you know. It just didn’t make sense. He HAD to be thinking about me because I was absolutely in love with him, right? And it wasn’t just a sex thing. I don’t know what it was, frankly, because my memory escapes me. I think I just was so curious about him and wanted to be around him constantly. IDK. But after leaving the program and returning home before the start of the semester, I gathered up enough courage to send him a message on facebook and ask him on a date. Honestly, I couldn’t NOT do it. It was driiving me insane, how much I was thinking about him. Something absolutely had to be done, but I guess I’m just not one to let an opportunity pass me by. I told my coworker at penn station what I had done, and she said “you’re very brave”. 

Her reaction kind of puzzled me because it was not what I was expecting. I guess she is right, it is brave of a man to ask another man out on a date, especially if you’re unsure of his sexuality. It could have been nasty, but honestly it was quite the opposite. He simply responded that he wasn’t gay, we exchanged a few more messages, and I suggested we could hang out if he was interested (but platonically, of course (; xD) He was super nice whenever he saw me around campus, and honestly looking back at it, I’m getting kind of emotional. Because if anybody handled a gay man hitting on them the right way, it was this guy. He made it clear he wasn’t interested, but still treated me like a human. He gave me a high five one day on campus and I dunno, it was like nothing was wrong. And of course, I got over him. I didn’t get hung up on him, it was pretty easy for me to move on because he just wasn’t interested. But I won’t ever forget how I felt that summer before college. 

Of course, as I wear my heart on my sleeve, it was not long before I fell in love with someone new. I suppose I should tie this back into astrology. This summer before college was when I started getting interested in it. I began looking up people’s signs and who’s compatible with cancer. Partly on tumblr and just google searches, and your typical superficial commercial astrology articles. This is how it started, and I remember that guy being a leo, and me being upset because I’m a cancer, and we’re not compatible with leos. I suppose I was searching through the stars to measure up my chances with this guy. If I remember correctly, I probably googled things like how to tell if a guy is gay. But then, I was already doing stuff like that in high school. Omg I just thought of other crushes I’ve had, so maybe I don’t need to go down the list. I can just bring up the ones that are more relevant to this post, which are the saggitariuses!

 So I became obsessively infatuated with this saggitarius after I had left the Mormon church. It had been a rocky week. My crippling indecisiveness and existential fear of punishment and damnation had reappeared as I was slowly distancing myself from the Mormon church and its teachings. I had been in the cult er I mean covenant (just kidding, I still love ya Mormons) for two years of my life, had shaped my world view (as best as I could) and made plans for my future around this religion I had become so deeply apart of. I was a MORMON, I wanted EVERYONE to know. I truly fell in love with the Mormon church. Anyways, I couldn’t resist m*sturb*ting (censored for tumblr) and watching p*rn. P*rn is such a loaded term though, because are shirtless dudes on Instagram considered pnography? Ugh!

Well, I eventually hooked up with this guy off grindr. He was actually nuts and kind of threatened me and scared me. Perhaps he is the one who sewed that seed in me, and I am merely possessed by the same demon that inspired him to blow up at me for not wanting to come back over his apartment for a second hookup, and then messaging me saying “I’m outside”. Like, he didn’t know where I lived, but I was scared. I was like 19 or 20, he was probably in his late 30s. I dunno. I was upset about it and told my dad and he made me feel better by threatening to kick his a**. I later talked to his boyfriend (this is gay culture remember) and he apologized for him, and I actually ran into him at Fazoli’s or somewhere and he looked kinda ashamed/embarrassed. So like I forgave him I guess, or at least I just moved on and didn’t dwell on it. He was blocked on socials for years, which says something, because I don’t really block people. I was more angry about it than anything, because it was like undeserved on my end. Today though, as I write this, I’m wondering what was going through his mind. In a compassionate sense, not a judgmental one. Now that I’ve lost my noggin once or twice, I kinda get it….

Well, the next morning, I was being angsty and 20 and mad at the world and my mother and yada yada. I still don’t know if my tendency towards anger is a rather natural, human thing that most people just don’t talk about, or if I am in fact angry more often than most and more intensely. Maybe, because of my harsh moon aspects (moon square mars, moon square pluto) plus I’m a cancer scorpionic person, right? Well my friend Patrick who is a pisces sun cancer moon made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who feels things so intensely. And my friend gracie, who I can tell anything to. Shes a saggitarius sun and scorpio moon, wow did I freaking forget to mention her earlier in this post? Wow, so yes, another very important person in my life who coincidentally is a saggitarius. She knows anger, and I’m thankful for it.

 Well, I run off with my car, which I’m blessed to have from my grandparents (thank u grandpa Wilson and Sondra, I don’t think I ever expressed how thankful I was for that car but I really was. Thank you.) I end up all the way in Elizabethtown, like 45 minutes outside of Louisville, because I just wanted to get the fuck away. So of course my horny 20 year old ass gets on grindr, and almost immediately, this dude sends me the most gorgeous dick pic my little 20 year old heart had ever seen. I was like jaw on the floor wow, I wish I still had the picture! I was kinda nervous and still new to the whole hookup app thing, so I was like just sitting there, in the mcdonald’s parking lot, wondering if I should go or not. Then, he sent me a face picture, and if he wasn’t the most absolutely stunning, drop dead gorgeous man on the PLANET. Holy shit, I was in love from those two pics alone. The dick pic was giving me like trashy straight white man in a wife beater and basketball shorts vibes. Like a slimey criminalesque guy who knows how to fuck. But then he sent me that face pic and it was like the freaking sun shining on me like I was a sunflower or something. Drop dead beautiful. Anyway I hurry my ass on over there. I recall now that I was NOT looking my best, and honestly had I been a little better groomed, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe not. But I was wearing this like ugly like suede-ish or curdoroy-ish deep red shirt, like a worker’s shirt like a cowboy or something. I dunno why I thought that shirt was cute and didn’t give it away. I really didn’t vibe with it, but at this point in my life I was always doing what I thought I /should/ be doing, not what I felt like inside. Had to be manly, right?

Well, anyway, I looked like trash and felt like trash. I had this shitty buzz cut because I had buzzed my hair, I had some scruff, I hadn’t douched or like properly even just soaped up my ass. Like gee what was I thinking, haha. I’m so dumb. I guess I was only planning on giving him a blow job or something, but boy when he grabbed my ass did I regret not being cleaned down there. Damn if I could have taken that man’s cock, cuz it’s looking like that may have been my only chance. Ha!

Well, I get there, and of course I hesitate before I went it, and I would later use this to justify other things that went wrong in my life. Because I chose the wrong thing, which is to have [GAY] pre-marital sex, which was wrong in the Mormon church and would make me feel guilty and bar me from serving a mission (which was extremely and shockingly disheartening). Now you see why I say this man got good dick? He took it all. My pride. My shame. I kid. But I did lose a lot from these hook ups, but that was from my own lust. But this guy, E-town I would go to call him, was honestly like my dream man. He was tall, a football player’s build. I am absolutely weak for a football player, a linebacker. Especially after they’ve put on some weight! I need a man who looks like he eats a freaking steak! And plays cornhole!

I remember feeling shy and nervous for reasons outside of him and for reasons that had to do with how drop dead gorgeous he was, and I’m just a pretty shy person, no matter how far I pushed myself to be type A, extroverted, CEO successful Kyle. Straight masculine kyle ha ha.

I remember sitting on his bed, next to him. I kinda just sat there and looked at him, he put his hand on my knee, and kind of titled his head to the side and… kissed me? I don’t remember. I feel like the next thing I remember is him pulling down his (Red?) basketball shorts and watching that big fat dong slip out. And of course I went to work. (sorry mom! if ur reading this). Damn, did I suck that dick. It had to be for like 20 or 30 minutes, which honestly is kinda long lasting in the realm of anonymous internet hook ups! And for a blow job! Maybe it was only 10 minutes, who are we kidding. I don’t know, but it felt amazing and it felt like forever. I’m gonna get into the grimey details here, because I can and want to.

He like laid down on his bed and I like crouched over him and sucked that dick. It was just as great as the picture, as was he. He looked strong and masculine, and beautiful, really, sitting next to me just moments prior. The reason this hook up was so important was because I had a realization, or feeling, that was impactful on my spirit while I was sucking this hunk a junk’s dilly will. Besides the embarrassment I feel at his reaction when I reached down for his feet while I was sucking away (he looked to the left uncomfortably, fine, no feet play), I recall just you know, doing my thing on his bed, then kinda looking up and opening my eyes and this thought just kinda hits me, or appears to me, “What is wrong with this?”

“What is wrong with this?”

It was a thought that I guess had more of an impact on me than I realized, because it’s been like four years since that has happened and I have not gone back to the Mormon church. I suppose his cock literally killed the homophobia inside of me. Lust, love (mars, venus), whatever you want to call it, led me to that man and that situation. If I hadn’t been attracted to him, I wouldn’t have gone over, right? He brought up something about catfishing before I came over, and joked about how he pretended to not be home or something when the guy showed up at the door. I dunno, I guess these details put me at ease and led me to complete the task. The night before, before going to that mean guy’s house, I was like pushing myself back and forth back and forth like don’t do this, but something in me just needed to I guess. Is sex like a human need? Apparently! But I remember the tug of war that was going through me, because I didn’t want to give into the homophobia.

And wow, if something didn’t just click! I was never really afraid of Mormonism or Mormon theology. I don’t think I ever truly believed in it, I just wanted it to be true so bad I was willing to compromise so many things. And I wasn’t quite afraid of anything but homosexuality itself. I was afraid of being gay. Point blank simple. But what can I say? I have a high as fuck sex drive and I like sucking cock. I love men. I don’t know if that makes me gay or trans or a bottom or a faggot or what, it’s just what it is, you know? And I guess that’s what that feeling was that surfaced as I was sucking Austin’s dick. Austin B——

I saw little things in him that just made me convinced he was placed on this earth for me. He had a buddha head statue in his house, he had the local news playing on the TV while we hooked up. Which is just funny cuz a. the TV was on, and b. it was the local news. Like why was he watching that. The only person I know who watched that was like my grandma. And it was like the morning time, I dunno I probably would have been watching cartoons or Disney channel or history channel, not the local news. And I wouldn’t have had the TV on during a hook up, but I’ve learned that not everyone shares my electrosensory sensitivities.

He also mentioned having a gardener, and the fact he is literally football player type looking like a Greek god Hercules in the pic he sent me on the Versace beaches of Italy, tan, large, and had a humungous lizard. I was like obsessed and infatuated or whatever. And apparently it was abundantly clear because I feel he took my actions out of proportion, turned them against me, then expressed these negative, mean things to ryan weekly and later craig, my saggitarius boyfriend, at big bar. Like, honestly that’s just hurtful. But I suppose these seemingly normal things, which I took as a sign that he was the one for me and I just assumed recipricocity. Maybe that’s my problem, even to this day. I assume if I have a feeling, it is immediately shared by the other person. Huh, I’ll have to think about that.

But I didn’t talk to him for like months, because I was fucking scared. Like, I didn’t wanna get hurt. But boy did I get hurt HA. Well, I add him on facebook, because it was connected to his phone number that he had given me. I honestly thought this was not that weird, but now that I’m processing things I’ve been told and looking back at it, he might have found this odd. But like, they’re connected. It’s the digital age. I thought he was younger than he was because his grindr age was a couple years low, so I was confused. I thought he was rich because his age said like 26? Or 23? I don’t remember. It doesn’t sound old now, but to me it felt kinda old cuz I was only 20 at the time. I was like wow, he has a gardener and his own place and is that young? Like he must have a bachelor’s degree, comes from a wealthy family, etc. which I now realize I assumed because I was surrounded by that at Atherton and centre. It was kind of ingrained in me that everyone went to college and wanted to go to college. That’s just what I thought was normal, but no he didn’t go to college and neither do most people. Especially in Kentucky.

Well I also changed the color of our messenger chat because I was like haha I saw your picture from play!!!!! Omg I remember now. I did not in fact add him from his phone number on facebook because I probably correctly assumed that would have been creepy. I spent months thinking about him, then after I had gone to Play with travis on new years, I think I saw that Austin was in one of the pictures and I used that as an excuse to add him!

Ok, now things are adding less up. If I didn’t add him from his phone number, that’s one less strike against me. The play thing is like a normal thing, right? I mean I’m used to myspace and shit I’m friendly, I feel like adding people and browsing play’s page would be a normal thing. The changing of the messenger colors was honestly just a new feature and I thought it was cool, it was kind of a cute uwu flex that showed affection. Maybe he just thought it was weird and creepy. Maybe he just thought I was an unmemorable hookup, because I didn’t look my best or feel my best, and when he grabbed my ass I told him that I needed to shower. Then he had to go to some football game or something.

I’m not sure what other events exactly transpired, but I was hooked on this man but obviously super cautious about how I approached it. It’s ironic isn’t it, that I was so weary about being perceived as bad or undesirable that I held on to feelings for so long, but ended up getting fucked over in the end anyway.

The only thing I can think of which was weird was when I texted him A BUNCH that one night I showed up at nadia’s after fighting with my dad and driving all the way to Glasgow because I had this persistent urge and spiritual compulsion / delusion that I was being called AWAY. That I needed to LEAVE PERMANENTLY and that would solve all of my problems. I suppose that was dramatic of me. Well I must have been smoking weed or something because I was a little too open with my emotions and sent him a bunch of texts and said I was gonna make art about him. Which in retrospect I am super embarrassed about, because that’s like a vulnerable thing for me to say especially to someone who is about to be spewing hatred towards me. Like let’s face it, this man did not have good intentions for me. Maybe he never did. Wow. Wow. Huh. That’s a revelation.

I was just someone he was somewhat attracted to but didn’t really care about otherwise, I guess. I dunno. Wish I knew tbh. But I was like accidently nearby him on grindr, like probably less than a mile away, but that is entirely not my fault, because nadia lived in crescent hill, which is a densely populated area that I, ME, am familiar with. I spent two years on Frankfort ave with Andrew. It’s my turf, bitch. My bad, you bought some “fancy” apartment in crescent hill with your stupid Kroger manager job because you think you’re fancy and cosmopolitan but you’re actually just an idiot. I don’t even think he used the right to and your. Maybe he never said those words idk. But I remember trying to have a text convo with him and just feeling so AWKWARD. Like UGH why would it feel awkward!!!!! If I literally was in love with him and wanted to lick his feet and OH

He also looked like a fucking famous movie star director. Not an actor, not a model, not a celeb sports player, but like his vibes just screamed FAMOUS DIRECTOR. And honestly, that’s not something I would have sought out before but it was sexy. As. Fuck. I don’t fetishize directors like I do policemen or firefighters, but damn he looked fucking intoxicating.

 I was working at Costco. Well, after my emotional outburst and telling him I’d make art about him (which honestly, ought to neutralize the whole damn situation. That’s just sweet and charming as fuck. And obviously shows that I’m an emotional and caring person who just isn’t very good at expressing myself. Or maybe I was, and because he wasn’t interested and is just mean, he twisted it to make it look like I was creepy. I was surprised to find out ryan weekly knew him, and when we chatted he like joked around with me about it. But he told me that Austin was really scared of me, “like for his life”. Part of me wants to say ryan was just being dramatic and mean, but now that I remember /how/ he said it, I think it was honest. Which is disturbing, because Austin was never in danger… that was a delusion on his part. Ha! I suppose I was just suffering from his delusions and assertion of his will, or whatever. If yaw anna look at it astrologically.

But ryan was kinda mean. He told me I was awkward and weird because I like would randomly laugh to myself or something. Like how is that weird…. Like I just don’t understand why that would have bothered him and why he would have felt the need to tell me I was weird or inferior or something. I mean I know we had history with kayla and all, but I had forgiven all that and genuinely liked hanging out with ryan before. But, he is also one person who first called attention to my “anger issues”

So maybe that answers my question from before. If two separate people make the same comment or observation about my emotional nature, maybe there is some accuracy in it. Maybe I’m fooling myself by thinking it’s a common thing just because I’ve found good, healing validation in who would become my close friends. But I suppose that is why they are my close friends, and ryan w—— is not.

Anyway, e-town was a saggitarius, and maybe because my pluto is in saggitarius, and is poorly aspected my mars, mercury, and my moon. Maybe that is what created this whole mess to begin with. I guess I can’t exactly be mad, but I mean damn what the fuck God?!

If I wasn’t wrong for sucking dick, because “what’s wrong with this?” then I wasn’t being punished for it. Right? If I hadn’t done the wrong thing, I wouldn’t have been punished….. IF you’re going on basic right vs wrong. Of course in the real world, innocent people get punished for things they haven’t done or for things they have done but just isn’t wrong. It’s like, subjective and relative to the situations and circumstances at hand. Maybe this is just one of those situations, too, and that’s just the detached truthful reality of it. Huh.

Now I could go on to talk about Craig, the next saggitarius romantic endeavor that ended in total disaster. Absolute volcanic eruption. Not supervolcano, but maybe just an island volcano that kills hundreds of people. Damn, I felt that.

I remember smoking weed and feeling like a woman who was psychotic and in space and crashed the entire spaceship because someone did something to upset her. I mean, it’s happened before. The pilots that have taken down entire planes full of passengers, just to kill themselves. That just doesn’t make sense to me. Why not just kill yourself? Why take a whole crew of random passengers with you? And it just doesn’t feel anti-social to me, like he thought people were bad and deserved it. The feeling I may be intuiting that it was just carelessness.? But that doesn’t feel right either. Maybe it was impulse and on a whim. Maybe it was a hint of psychopathy and a strong feeling he had and just took the chance. Maybe he wanted fame. Attention. Who knows. Is this what life is? Detachedly making sense of all this chaos and trauma, and death and loss and unknown? God!

I’m tempted to say this is all so psychotic, but in fact i do feel like it’s actually quite awesome, for once. All this chaos and unknown, but still being able to find happiness in it. That is such a wise, helping healing piece of perception. 

mon chien, prince. je l’adore. il est sagittarius. je lui ai donné plus d’attention qu’aux autres membres de ma famille. il a environ 13 ans. il aime explorer mais est assez anxieux.

This is Prince. you will see a lot of him. he is a sagittarius, which is an important sign for me in this incarnation. my pluto is in sagittarius at 0° in my fifth house. the house of leo. this means i draw energy from creative endeavors, though i never seem to get enough “fun”. this rings true to me because whenever i go out to the bars, i never want to leave. it was a dream of mine to make it big in the nightlife scene.

my grandmother, cousin, best friend, prince, and a few love interests have been sagittarius’s. my mother is sagittarius rising. also, my draconic chart gives me a sagittarius sun, which is supposedly your soul’s sun, rather than just your one time incarnation’s sun, which is what your natal chart shows you.