Torn - Blog Posts

Longing for a touch

But fearing the sensation

It tears me apart

we let her go. we didn't stop her. and because of me. because of us. she died. we didn't do enough. we should've done more. but we didn't. and i will never. ever. forgive myself.

4:51 am

I reached into the empty space

Beside me

And felt nothing but the cold

Pale sheets

Which once brought us together

But now

Only find pleasure in tearing us

Apart 

these words are my burden

my suffering

my tears

these words are my heartbreak

and the pain of all my years

these poems are my hardships

my brokeness

my pain

these poems are what I write

to make it go away

My heart is torn

Between two homes

The one i know

And the one I've yet to find

Torn...

When I think of that song. I immediately think of One Direction. I know that they did a cover of Natalie Imbruglia's song, but I still love their version to bits. I was a huge One Direction fan. I still listen to some of their songs like "Perfect" and "Infinity", I still wear my hoodie from their concert. I even listen tonsome of the musid they have made as solo artists ("Miss You" by Louis Tomlinson is amazing). But that's not the focus of this post.

So recently I made up my mind and I decided to let go. I had let go of Leonard, of everything around him and that whole situation he was going through. I was happy. I was happy to let go and move on with my life. Somehow, he always just knows. He knows when I'm happy and need to move on, because today he sent me a text, he's happy apparently. Things are starting to sort themselves out, but he wants to fix things with his friends. Starting with me apparently...

So now I am torn. I just started getting over everything and moving on. I was starting to accept things as they are and life was great, then this happened...

I have two options here. I can work things out with him and risk everything. Meaning I can fix things with him, but that would also mean risking my sanity and my feelings. I just don't want to get hurt again. I really don't. It was bad enough last year.

Or, I can tell him to shove it and move on with my life. I mean, he even admitted that if we try and fix things, I'm hardly ever going to see him, he just said "But we'll talk". I dunno. I mean that doesn't really seem like he's going to put any effort into building our friendship again...

So now I am torn. I want to fix things, because I really missed having a best friend. But I don't know if it's worth it getting close to someone again if there is a possibility of getting hurt again...