thoughtsandfeels326

Latest Posts by thoughtsandfeels326

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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

I wonder what kind of a person I'd be if i didn't have anxiety

Yup. This is me in a nutshell

i’ve been having a rough day for about 5 years now

“I feel myself shutting down, closing off, like I should tell people, ‘No, we don’t use this heart anymore. It’s too fragile.’”

— Courtney C. Stevens

More to Accept...

Recently, I learned to accept a lot, but that had to do with a friendship I had with someone a while ago.

Today. I am accepting things about myself, about who I am and just some general thoughts about how Infeel right now.

Firstly, I am trying to accept who I am, completely, all my faults and even my history. By accepting and acknowledging it I feel like I am also learning and growing to be better.

I have come to accept, also that maybe I am not built for relationships just yet. Yes, I understand that I need to wait for the right person or whatever, but I also want to accomplish everything I can on my own first. Maybe that means that for now I will just be seen as the "friend with benefits", or a girl that's "easy". Maybe that will mean that the only unconditional love I will receive is from my dogs for now, but I accept that, and it's okay.

I'm just waiting for the day when just being me is enough for someone...

There Are Days

There are days where I contemplate. I contemplate a lot. On these days I want to run. I want to run away to and island and spend some time there. I wouldn't tell anyone or say anything. I would just leave. Just to see if anyone besides my family would notice. To if anyone would even care...

I have two moods: 

1. Starve until I die

2. Binge until I cry

I don’t know what’s funnier.. the baby elephant chasing the birds, or when he fell and ran to his mom xD

This is still the best thing ever

He’s just got your best interests at heart.

“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Learning More About Myself

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that someone can mean the whole world to you, but you will never be that important to that person.

So, I am a Cancer, an aquatic star sign. We are known for being caring, to the extent of motherly. My emotions are also heightened. When I feel things, I feel them to the extreme. I also get attached to people really easily and crushes don't really feel like crushes, they feel like a messed up form of love. Unfortunately I also feel things like hate, anger, disappointment and depression to the extremes. That's why, if someone is important to me, I try to put them at the top of my list. I will do almost anything for them.

This is what makes things difficult. I will put people first in my life, do anything to help them and avoid fighting with them, but when I was younger, sometimes this wouldn't work, and I would get angry and sometimes, thankfully not a lot of times, this would turn into a small fit of violence. I say small because it would be a storm out with a slamming door or one punch, or a slap and then it's done.

I kind of feel like this turned into calamitous relationships as I grew up. I would have friends that would end up leaving me or kicking me out of their groups in high school because I was either too shy or too loud. My relationship with my family was worsening as I started to fall into a depressive state. Things with friends in school started to feel so uncertain all the time and to make it worse, I had had my heart broken for the first time by some douchebag I knew and had a crush on in primary school. He knew this and in high school took advantage of it. He told me he wanted to be my boyfriend, but we only ever had an online relationship. (I went to an all girls high school) So I never considered it my first real relationship or him as my first real boyfriend. We "broke up" because he hated that he never saw me. About a month or so later he wanted to try again, but the very next day told me his ex-girlfriend wanted him back and dumped me.

This started a long journey of depression, self harm and an extensive search for affection from the male species. I guess that search started a long time ago though. I mean, I spoke a lot about how my dad kind of isolated himself from me and stuff...

So you can say I kind of have parent issues. I never really had a mom. I mean I only knew her for about nine years of my life. She was rock for those nine years. After she passed on, my sister tried to be the mother figure in my life. When my dad isolated himself from us, my brother was there to fill the gap. My brother and sister are also a lot older than me. 11 years and 7 years respectively. This helped the process as they were old enough to take me to doctors and fill out the paperwork or sign my homework books and write me sick notes. They would drive me wherever I needed to go and buy me whatever I needed. They were pretty much my parents for most of my childhood and teenage life. Without them I have no idea where I would be right now.

It was hard, I didn't have a mom. I had a dad who who gave up on being my dad and then a brother and a sister who tried their best to fill the gap... But I think things were also harder because I didn't really know how to talk to people about things. I still don't know how to talk to people about things. Even though I trust tons of people, I constantly feel like if I tell them things, they'll give up on me or judge me. It's too hard and it feels too risky.

There are things about myself that I am certain about:

1. I find it very hard to tell people anything.

2. I hate relying on other people and asking for favours (Unless they are my family), sometimes I'm even to shy to ask someone for directions in a mall...

3. I get attached to people really easily. This also means I am hurt by people easily.

4. I struggle to understand my place in people's lives. When someone is really important to me, I make sure they are happy. But then I also assume that I am important to them and expect to be treated as I treat them. Obviously other people won't... Also, just because they are important to me does not meaan I am important to them.

5. I feel things really deeply.

Omg. Incredible. I needa see the whole match

YO ON SOME ANIME SHIT THIS DOPE AF!!!!

The Secret Lives of Colour / The Secret Lives of Color, by Kassia St Clair, Hodder & Stoughton, London, 2016 / Penguin Random House, New York, NY, 2017

Epiphi-tree

Okay yes, I know it's a silly joke from the Simpsons and it's kinda bad because this post is actually about something pretty important, but I couldn't resist a Simpsons joke...

So today I realised just how bad my generation is, well not bad, just they kinda live in a bubble. I was born in 1997, this makes me 20 turning 21 this year and part of the "Generation Z / Post Millinals" generation.

A bit of a background on Gen Z. So Generation Z are the first generation to be born into technology. Meaning that unless the Gen Z member was born before 2000 they probably don't know what a floppy disk or VHS is. Basically they are the first generation to not know a life without technology. Generation Z are also, according to research, very health conscious. So they hardly drink or smoke. They eat healthier and go to gym (just research. I don't know anyone my age like this though). Apparently some countries even have non-alcholic gin bars, to cater to generation z.

For me, life was kinda different to what I researched above. I played outside wearing my dumb fairy/butterfly wings. I would sit and do puzzles or colour and draw when I was bored. I read tons of books and my cartoons were all recorded on VHS tapes so I could watch them over the weekend.

The only cartoons I watched on actual tv were at 5pm. This was usually Winx Club, Yu-Gi-Oh or Dragonball Z. Pokemon if I was lucky. I often had to choose between channels. My family received our first dvd player when I was nine, it was a prize my dad won calling into our local radio station. My favourite dvd was actually the first one we bought. The Little Mermaid.

When I was 12, I received my first cellphone, more like took my brother's old one and found a random sim card in it. It was one of those old Motorola flip phones with a radio as a special feature. Yeah. They promoted the radio as a feature on the phone. For a long time I didn't know how it worked or what I could do with it and the only messages I received were from the service provider. I would record my favourite songs off the tv or radio to play them off the phone while I was in the garden or in my room or the kitchen.

When I was 14, my sister's boyfriend at the time introduced my family to the internet and wifi. Teenage me was hooked. We had a 5mb line, which at the time was incredible. And my sister had a laptop which she constantly left at home, so I could use it. I spent days on youtube and using google for anything and everything.

Okay. I got a little sidetracked on memory lane. So the point is that I feel like it is time for Gen Z to put down the devices and stand up straight. Learn more about the world around you. I am a apart of the first few members to be entering the workplace soon. It is said in articles that employers feel like generation z is lazy and entitled. It's time we learnt more about our environment and how things like tax and politics affect us. Don't be afraid to read about news that isn't celeb gossip. Go a day or two without looking at your phone. Read a book and actually turn the paper pages. Talk a walk and look at what is around you.

I'm saying these things because I noticed that when I hear people on my campus talk, the words constantly used are "I" and "me". "What does this have to do with me?" "Why must I do this?"

Unfortunately as a young adult, many things now have to do with you or us. Life isn't about which celeb just had a kid or what the cute guy in class did anymore. Things like voting for government parties now affect us. Changes in minimal wage and tax or vat now affect us. Our actions also now affect more than just us. When working for a company one day if a mistake is made, everyone involved in that project or function is blamed and has to fix it.

It's time to realise that things in the world can affect us. Working hard is a real thing and needs to be done. Things won't just be handed to you in the world. It's time to see that we can actually affect the world with our actions. Whether it's a small change or a big change our actions can affect it.

It's time to pop the self centered bubble and walk into the real world...

The Perfect Explanation of Privilege – In One Powerful Punchline

“The Pencilsword” is a comic strip by Toby Morris, an illustrator from New Zealand. His most recent comic, “On a Plate” hits hard at the heart of the issues of concerning wealth and privilege.

How many times have you heard the “I’ve never been handed anything on a platter” argument in regard to social security and other social benefits?

Toby wrecks this argument by showing how two children can grow up, be loved and supported, and yet still have two very different outcomes.

Make sure to follow all the way to the end for the powerful punchline. This comic is an increasingly sad reality for far too many of this nation’s children and families.

“There comes a day when you realise turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realise there’s so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.”

— Zayn Malik

Good wood - um, I’m currently trying to work out if this is the coolest bit of tech that’s ever been on here…. I think it might just be. Beautiful, classy, classic but contemporary, it makes you feel like you’re from the 1940s, 1970s and 2020 all in one go. Yes please!

Seth and bayley make fun of their real names 😂

I wish...

It's times like these where I wish my brain would just shut down. I wish that it would just stop thinking, completely.

I constantly have thoughts running through my brain. Sometimes they are conversations, sometimes dreams, a lot of times they are irritating songs, but mostly they are mistakes, judgements and regrets.

Recently, the one thing that runs through my head, at night when I try to sleep, is something Leonard said to me recently. I know it's stupid to keep bringing him up, but it bugs me. So basically, I guess he was in an arguing mood because I received a random text, about something that I sent him weeks ago. I think I wrote about it. About not feeling inportant to him because I wasn't on some stupid blog he wrote. Ironically, he is mentioned in tons of my blog posts. Anyway, he texted me passive-aggressively, asking why I would even want to me there. But this led to something bigger. I told him that I didn't feel like I was important even though I've been there for him since we started at college. When his brother and his brother's girlfriend fought, I was there to talk him out of a panic attack, when he was broke, I bought him lunch and made sure he got home safe. When he just needed to vent about absolutely anything, I was there to listen. So why was I not important when clearly he was so damn important to me? He then decided to choose some random nickname that was in the post and told me it was me. He hasn't called me that name since the first semester in our first year at college. But he's called other people that name, so how was I supposed to know that was me?

I wrote another long note, well text, explaining everything I felt, how much he had hurt me, how it felt like he replaced me with someone else. There are two statements from his reply that run through my head. The first being "You're just jealous, I don't understand why" and "You're being selfish. You just want me all to yourself".

I never said I was jealous. I said I was hurt. I told him I felt like I was being replaced because I was supposed to be his best friend and he never spends any time with me, but he spends all his time with her. A lot of people said he just spends time with her because they smoke together. On the the other hand. I've never smoked a cigarette or weed or anything. I tried a vape once. Only once. So maybe that's true. But it kinda feels like he just threw me away because I have no use to him anymore. She drives him wherever he needs to go. So no more uber, which means he has money for printing and lunch. So I don't need to buy him things anymore either... But I was never jealous. Just hurt. I was just like a phone to him. I served my purpose, but a new one, with better features came along, so now I'm just left aside or thrown away...

It's funny. I never thought I was selfish. Ever. I mean look at I've done for him. Look at all I do for other people. I have a heart for people and animals. I do everything I can for people. Maybe that's why I get used and taken for granted. I never wanted him all to myself. Ever. I knew that he felt it was his purpose to meet, connect and help people. I just wanted a small bit of his time. I wanted us to finally go camping because he mentioned that in first year, but we never did it. I wanted him to finally take me up on my offer to see a movie or try out a new restaurant. He constantly tells me he has plans with other people or has seen the movie already. For once, I wanted to plan something with him and finally do it. But it never happens. I just wanted to see him outside of college, when he's relaxed and happy. But it never happens... Does wanting to spend time with my best friend really make me selfish?

Every Seth Rollins has my heart 🙈☺️💖❤️

Whitewalker Seth has my heart.

We are like two bubbles. We exsist in the same universe. Sometimes our paths are pretty close. But when it all bursts, we won't even know the other exsists...

reblog if you feel personally victimized by wrestlemania 34