Overthinking - Blog Posts

so you know how people overthink

i’d rather underthink. just flood the mind enough to push out the thoughts

I wish...

It's times like these where I wish my brain would just shut down. I wish that it would just stop thinking, completely.

I constantly have thoughts running through my brain. Sometimes they are conversations, sometimes dreams, a lot of times they are irritating songs, but mostly they are mistakes, judgements and regrets.

Recently, the one thing that runs through my head, at night when I try to sleep, is something Leonard said to me recently. I know it's stupid to keep bringing him up, but it bugs me. So basically, I guess he was in an arguing mood because I received a random text, about something that I sent him weeks ago. I think I wrote about it. About not feeling inportant to him because I wasn't on some stupid blog he wrote. Ironically, he is mentioned in tons of my blog posts. Anyway, he texted me passive-aggressively, asking why I would even want to me there. But this led to something bigger. I told him that I didn't feel like I was important even though I've been there for him since we started at college. When his brother and his brother's girlfriend fought, I was there to talk him out of a panic attack, when he was broke, I bought him lunch and made sure he got home safe. When he just needed to vent about absolutely anything, I was there to listen. So why was I not important when clearly he was so damn important to me? He then decided to choose some random nickname that was in the post and told me it was me. He hasn't called me that name since the first semester in our first year at college. But he's called other people that name, so how was I supposed to know that was me?

I wrote another long note, well text, explaining everything I felt, how much he had hurt me, how it felt like he replaced me with someone else. There are two statements from his reply that run through my head. The first being "You're just jealous, I don't understand why" and "You're being selfish. You just want me all to yourself".

I never said I was jealous. I said I was hurt. I told him I felt like I was being replaced because I was supposed to be his best friend and he never spends any time with me, but he spends all his time with her. A lot of people said he just spends time with her because they smoke together. On the the other hand. I've never smoked a cigarette or weed or anything. I tried a vape once. Only once. So maybe that's true. But it kinda feels like he just threw me away because I have no use to him anymore. She drives him wherever he needs to go. So no more uber, which means he has money for printing and lunch. So I don't need to buy him things anymore either... But I was never jealous. Just hurt. I was just like a phone to him. I served my purpose, but a new one, with better features came along, so now I'm just left aside or thrown away...

It's funny. I never thought I was selfish. Ever. I mean look at I've done for him. Look at all I do for other people. I have a heart for people and animals. I do everything I can for people. Maybe that's why I get used and taken for granted. I never wanted him all to myself. Ever. I knew that he felt it was his purpose to meet, connect and help people. I just wanted a small bit of his time. I wanted us to finally go camping because he mentioned that in first year, but we never did it. I wanted him to finally take me up on my offer to see a movie or try out a new restaurant. He constantly tells me he has plans with other people or has seen the movie already. For once, I wanted to plan something with him and finally do it. But it never happens. I just wanted to see him outside of college, when he's relaxed and happy. But it never happens... Does wanting to spend time with my best friend really make me selfish?

We are like two bubbles. We exsist in the same universe. Sometimes our paths are pretty close. But when it all bursts, we won't even know the other exsists...

I just wish I could stop thinking sometimes...

I overthink, a lot, about everything.

I guess it's normal, sometimes. Sometimes I go back to conversations that have happened before. I analyse everything that was said and I think of every possible thing that each statement could mean. I think of everything that the other person could think I was trying to say. Then eventually I think of something and it makes me feel like the worst person on the planet.

Sometimes I try to stop myself from thinking about something because I know it will make me depressed. So intead I go to my happy place. Funny enough I think of wrestling. I have my perfect moments picked out already. My character. My debut match on NXT. Winning the NXT Women's Championship. Debuting on the main roster and winning the RAW Women's Championship. And finally, being the first female Superstar to main event Wrestlemania. I know these are all dreams, and they probably won't come true, but I think about this all the time anyway. I replay these moments all the time because they make me happy. I think about them to make sure I don't think about something depressing.

I recently found two things that depress me the most. One of them is a conversation that hasn't even happened. It will probably never happen. It's with Leonard. I think, that I probably only think about it because a part of me wants it to happen. In the scenario he actually wants to talk to me. He's himself again and he wants to talk to me because he wants us to be friends again. In my mind I switch. In one timeline I take him back and we're friends again. We're happy. In the other I tell him everything I ever wanted to say. I tell him how much he hurt me over the past year. I put up walls, which I have actually started building in real life, and I move on from him. I think this is the best option if this coversation ever happens. Either way I end up crying. No matter which timeline I follow. I cry because I know that either way, I'm going to end up hurt in the end...

The other thing I think about that makes me depressed is my parents. So I haven't really spoken about my family, but basically, I have one brother and one sister. We're closer than ever because all we have, is each other. My mom passed away when I was nine years old. My sister was in her final year of high school, my brother was in his third year at university. I just remember her feeling sick; taking her to hospital; the nurses refusing to let me see her because I was "too young" to go into the rooms; finding out about her cancer; seeing her on her birthday; getting a call in the middle of the night; and saying good-bye to her... I sucked, everything about it sucked. I feel like I never really even knew her. I just hear stories about her from the rest of my family.

The story with my dad is different. Even though I grew up with him in my life, I never really felt like I knew him. My dad had a severe stroke when I was about fve years old. He started to detatch himself from everyone else and isolated himself from even our family. As I grew up he started to close himself off from us more and more. It got even worse when my mom passed away. But I always had my brother and sister... We stuck together through it. It made us closer. Soon we didn't even see my dad for meals. He would come out to fetch food while my brother and sister were at work and I was doing homework. He would take the food to gis room and eat there. I never really understood how bad it was. I was kid. To me, this was normal, this was life. I only really understood it when I got to high school. My friends would talk about their dads and I realised that my family was not normal. I would visit their houses and realise that mine made my family look poor and dirty even though we weren't.

When I was in Grade 11, I realised things had to change. I spoke to a few people and I realised I wanted a dad again. I wanted to have a relationship with him. So I started to try. I started with simple things like recording wrestling and asking him to watch with me. He would sometimes, but he would forget that I hadn't seen it and spoil matches for me. Sometimes I would be mad (Undertaker vs Lesner *cough*). I would ask him to sit and eat with us. Most of the time he said no. But I still tried. I would sit and try to talk to him about anything. I never really felt like I got through. But it worked sometimes. Two days before my final high school exams started, my brother and I were about to go out and buy food. When we were about to leave we said "bye" to my dad and he didn't reply. I remember seeing that he was struggling to breathe, so we sat with him and he started clutching his chest. We were trying everything, but he was having a heart attack. I was calling everyone I knew. Every aunt, uncle and cousin, even my church pastor because I had no idea what to do. But it was too late. I had watched my father pass away right before my eyes.

I've never really spoken to anyone about this, but I felt like it was an important part of this post because I think about this. I think about how I never really knew my parents. Everytime I mess up, no matter how small it is, I feel like I'm letting them down. I hate this feeling, but it's there. I never really know how to feel. Because even though I never really knew them. I still miss them. I regret that I never really had a childhood where they taught me how to ride a bike or make cookies. I never really had a chance to even talk to them and I hate it. I know that with mom I never had the choice. But with my dad I had a chance and I never took it. So I regret it. I constantly overthink every moment I had with my dad. I think about how I would change it and how I would try to make things right. I would do better in Maths and Science and try to make him proud because I pretty much failed those subjects...

I constantly wish that for a moment I could turn my brain off and find some peace, but it's almost impossible. So I try to think of better things. Good memories, like sitting at the dining room table and talking to my mom while she writes in a notepad. Or watching RAW while my dad says it's turning into a soap opera and hates on Seth Rollins. Sometimes I even think about those conversations I had with Leonard about why he loves Batman. Then I realise none of these things will ever happen again. So I get desparate for happiness and I think of myself at the end of Wrestlemania holding up the Women's Title. It's dumb. But it works. I still cry, but I cry tears of joy because that would be me, making history at Wrestlemania. For a few minutes, I am okay. I allow myself to think until I find something to distract me from my thoughts.

I am trying...

So recently I posted about the situation I am having regarding my former best friend...

I guess you could call this post an update. But it's more just me and my feelings. I guess.

So yeah. He's still going through things. But I feel like it's getting better for him. Because he seemed happy today. He's lucky... I've been having a few bad days recently.

So on Saturday (today is Monday) I messaged him. I told him I miss him. Three simple words, but they have so much meaning. It was true. I did miss him. He's never at college anymore and when he is, he never talks to me, we never hang out. So I miss him. We don't even text anymore.

He replied with "I feel like people don't understand me or how to deal with me". Thanks... Like, everyone wants to hear that after they tell someone they miss them... I didn't get it. Like if that's what you're gonna say, maybe it would've been better if you didn't reply at all... I needed my best friend. This last week was really hard, but I'll explain that in my next post...

He then asked me what people actually want from him. I told him that I didn't know, but explained that I just wanted my best friend back. I wanted to feel like I was still important to him. I wanted to go back to having 3am weird conversations and comparing our knowledge of superheroes and anime. I just wanted him in my life again. But I guess that won't happen because he just replied with "Wow..."

That's when I realised it. I realised that I wasn't important to him anymore. That I wasn't a factor in his life. He acted so normal today. Well, from the way he acted around everyone else. I decided that I needed to act normal too. Like everything was okay.

Usually. I use my college campus as a sanctuary. A place where everything is normal and I can get away from the drama that is my family and home life. However, now I can't run because the problem is on campus. So instead, I pretend. I hang out with all my other friends. People who actually care. When I spoke to other people about this they told me to just forget it. That it wasn't worth it. I knew this already, but hearing it from other people made me realise how real it was. How much I actually had to do this.

At the end of last year I started to feel like he was just using me. When he was broke, I was there, paying for his Ubers and buying him lunch. He wouldn't even say thank you. He would just take the money or the food and hang out with other people. When he couldn't print his assignments, I was there with my inkjet printer. And when I had no ink I would run and print at a printing house. But I never received a thank you for that either... I never expected him to pay me back for any of this (which he hasn't) , but I atleast wanted to feel like I was appreciated.

He blamed me for a lot. He said that the reason he never wanted to be around me was because I give a lot of negative energy. Ironically I was negative because of him. I was negative because he would ask me for all these favours and never return them or even say thank you. I was also going through a lot with my family. My aunt and uncle are always fighting or complaining. My brother and sister are never home, so their anger gets taken out on me... All the complaining and fighting and anger, I put up with that...

Funny enough, he has a lot of negative energy these days. I'm trying to stay positive. This is our last year in college. I need to make it count. So that is why I decided to let him go. Completely this time. I feel like I'm stuck in a routine. I tell myself to let him go and leave him. Stop being there. But then I see him and he looks like death so I give in and try to help him. He pushes me away and I give up, only for the process to start again in a few days. So now. I need to do this. This isn't me giving up on him. This is me giving him space and wishing him well, but putting myself first.

The pain of letting go won't be as bad as the pain I felt trying to stay...

I'm learning to Accept Things...

So recently my best friend has been going through some things. But because of these things he isolates himself, he keeps telling everyone he's okay when we can clearly see he isn't. I'll admit that over the past year we started growing apart. We both just kinda started hanging out with different crowds, but I wanted to try and keep the friendship. I never wanted to lose him. But the fact that he's going through all that's happening to him is hurting him and he's keeping it all locked away inside his head... I feel like it's changing him and I don't like the person he's becoming. I want to hold on to who I remember him being so badly. But I don't see that person anymore. So here is what I'm starting to accept. I accept that he's pushing me away, even though I want to hold on. I accept that the person I see every day is no longer my best friend. I accept that I don't know who he is anymore. I accept that he needs time to deal with everything. I accept that I need to wait for him to decide if he still wants this friendship or not. I accept that maybe I'm not important to him anymore...

Sorry for the long paragraph. This is just something I need to get off my chest...

Me when he knows he's been distant and not talking to me and he says "after this then I'll be all yours"

But I'm already over thinking and almost crying

He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day. He has a life. He can't talk to you every minute and every hour of the day.. Overthinking has to be one of the worst things I do.. LIKE WHAT IF HE ACTUALLY HATES ME AND THINKS IM BORING. Okay bye now

You can hear me scream your name into the solid void as we fall through the sky

I’m the universe and you are my sun

~KB

(original)

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tw : bpd, depression, SH, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, paranoia, emotional/physical ab*se, bullying, drugs, trauma, traumacore, eating disorder

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