Grieving - Blog Posts

Today is hard and horrible; my wounds gaping and sore. Every moment brings another knife of memory from before.

Anger pulses through me followed by crippling sadness. I feel nothing but my own craving for madness.

I'd give anything, everything, just to go back; just to wake up hung over after New Years again.

I would do so much different, and so much the same, but in the end my only goal would be to save you.

You: passionate, loyal, brave and kind. Cursed and playful with a magnificent mind.

It's almost been two months and I still cannot see how there is any possibility that you gave up on me.

So I just found out that my all time favourite webcomic ( which was discontinued like a year ago ) got taken off by the creator and I was like the ONLY person in existence who read it apparently cause now it’s lost media. Fml bro

Oh Grammy this breaks my heart. You were the sweetest around and had such an amazing heart. I know you couldn't live forever but I hate that cancer took you sooner. I'm grateful you got to see us get married last year and lucky to have even known my great grandma. I wish you could have stayed around a bit longer to see me get my college degree and to see me become a mom. Rest in peace 💔

She seemed intoxicated, only rather by exhaustion, than by whatever laced the cigarettes she'd rolled up that morning. One was just about to go out between her fingers. I took it from her, inhaled it back to life before tossing it onto the ground. It was weed, at least a third of it, tho the filters she used mellowed the taste.  She looked at the bud somewhat saddened. 'Seventeen', she said, drawing a little x in the air with her finger. That was way too many, but she'd been cutting back admirably for weeks, and today was a rough day.  I sighed. I swear, I thought, as who knows how many times before, if one more beloved soul leaves this wretched earth before mine, I'll cease.  I looked at her then. Knowing I could never intentionally leave her behind, I sighed again, took a seat & lit me one of hers. Enough time to be responsible tomorrow..

To the little girl who faded with the dying light of October, 1922— My dearest Cecilia, It is with unbearable grief that I write to you. Each passing day, I am forced to reconcile with the weight of your absence, haunted by the silence you left behind. Although it wasn’t my hands that took your life, my heart aches with regret— because in the silence of my heart, I have convinced myself that it was my fault.

—A lady and her quill, Letters to dead children.

Sometimes you watch an hours worth of hopecore videos at midnight and you have to draw your old dog.

My sweet boy passed away in April of 2023 and I still miss him everyday but you know what? I don’t think I ever remember him not liking someone, so if you’re feeling down, remember that wherever the dogs go in the end, there’s a 14 year old vizsla who loves you, and he has bright eyes, soft ears, and wants to find a way to sit on your lap.

“Wherever you are, I hope there’s a desert, and a car for you to chase.” - a line from a poem by me.

I miss you. You were so beautiful.

On a more technical note, I rarely ever crosshatch and I’m definitely not confident in it, but I’m here to try new things.

I am grieving the living more than I am grieving the dead

I cry over people who don't even think about me anymore

And it hurts knowing they will never want me back

25 May 4:25 am

I have sat here and typed and retyped but nothing comes out that can express the feeling, the only way I can think of is asking the question... When will it pass?

When will I stop picking up the phone to call you only to remember that where you are you cannot receive calls? When will I be excited and not have the instant thought to share it with you knowing that I can't? When will I be able to go to sleep without wishing I did so knowing you were one of the people I spoke to in my day? When does it end? When does this loop end? I am tired. Please stop this feeling because it hurts too much.

June 24th, 2022 8:10 AM

Timeless Place

This day I woke to some not so great news. The news anyone doesn’t want to hear when it comes to a love one. A call from a grieving parent about a mother (grandmother) who passed away. It was something I didn’t expect to hear nor think to happen. I thought there was going to be more time for you. Time.

Timing is everything isn’t it? Time ticks and it tocks. Time runs 24/7. Day and night. 7 days a week, to a month, to a year. I realize in this realm where in, time will end. There’s a timing for everything and a stopping point. We are all assigned a clock for ourselves. So use time wisely. Before the moment comes where it’ll not run anymore. But there is a place where it will forever run. There is no end. There is  eternity. There is life. From way above. I think the biggest accomplishment to ever reached is being with the creator. THE creator of the universe. Wow. Leaving this world and going to a never ending realm. Known as Heaven. And so then, you reached the final stage. Nothing after that. A timeless place.

There is pain in acceptance. It's a stage of grief for a reason, I suppose...

Wtf was that nonsense?

That finale was some bulllllshit! I'm not ready to process that utter garbage yet so I'm just going to pretend it didn't happen and distract myself with something else. Denial is the first stage of grief, right?? Completely healthy and normal.

Demon Slayer  The Unspoken Bond: The mysterious woman

Part 1 

The Boys were resting in their room in the Butterfly Manor after being so happy that they all survived their fight with the spider demon family. As they were resting, the door to the room opened and a woman stood in the doorway with a tray of food for the boys. Her long white hair was tied back in a loose braid, and her striking red eyes glimmered in the dim light of the room. Her features were delicate and refined, and her skin was smooth and unblemished.

She wore a simple yet elegant kimono in shades of purple and pink, with a subtle floral pattern that complemented her natural beauty. The fabric flowed gracefully around her as she moved, to set down the tray of food on the small table in the room, and gestured for the boys to help themselves and they eagerly dug in, savoring the delicious flavors and marveling at the exquisite presentation.

she remained in the doorway watching over the boys as they ate. while wearing a motherly smile that put the boys at ease. Her eyes sparkled with warmth and kindness, she radiated a sense of calm and serenity, and her presence brought a sense of comfort and safety to the room.

After finishing their meal, Tanjiro, Zenitsu, and Inosuke thanked the woman for her kindness in bringing them food. They each expressed their gratitude in their own unique way.

Tanjiro bowed deeply, his face flushing with emotion. "Thank you so much for the food. It was delicious," he said.

Zenitsu being shy and not able utter a word, nodded while Inosuke simply grunted, but his eyes betrayed a hint of appreciation as he reached for a second helping.

The boys tried to ask the woman some questions but she seemed reluctant to reveal too much about her identity or her role in the Butterfly Manor. 

"I'm just helping around here," she said with a smile. "It's not much, but I'm glad I can assist in some small way."

Later that night. Kagaya sits alone in his room.

The long-haired woman made her way to Kagaya Ubuyashiki's room, where she entered and took a seat beside him. She wore a calm expression on her face as she began to speak about her encounter with Tanjiro, Zenitsu, and Inosuke.

"I met with the boys earlier, and I must say, they left a strong impression on me," she said, her voice soft and measured.

Kagaya Ubuyashiki listened attentively. 

"They are all so different, yet they share a common determination and sense of purpose," she continued. "Tanjiro is kind and compassionate, Zenitsu is brave and loyal, and Inosuke is fierce and determined. Together, they make a formidable team."

Kagaya Ubuyashiki nodded in agreement, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips. "I have great faith in those boys," he said. "I believe they will accomplish great things and bring peace to our world."

The woman nodded, a serene expression on her face. "I feel the same way, Father," she said. "I look forward to their success and the bright future they will create."

With those words, the two fell into a comfortable silence, content in the knowledge that they were both doing their part to help the young warriors in their quest.

There are always deer in the cemeteries here.

I had just bought the skirt when the Fog rolled in Thick and Heavy and Fast.

I always drive past this cemetery. I've loved its mausoleums for years.

Tonight, I finally took some classic cemetery goth photos.

I do wish we had a plot for Joe. Some marker somewhere that it would be acceptable, and desired by Joe, for me to take my silly cemetery photos with. So as not to intrude on strange families like I did here. I mean nothing but admiration for the beautiful memorials, and respect for the passed and present families. In my grief, I offer love and reverence to them all.

northern lights

my dog died last night. his pawprints are all still in the snow all over the house. the treats we had been trying to get him to eat are everywhere. his bed is still by the fire. his favorite toy is with him, they said that they would cremate it with him. i have a matching smaller version that is on my keys.

his fur is on my jacket from last night, that is now drenched in years. i got home and collapsed and held my jacket like i had held him.

tonight is new years eve. anchorage, alaska. i hear people partying in a house down the mountain. our neighbors set off fireworks. the sky is the same shade of green as his favorite jacket. i sat outside in the 12 degree air and let it wrap me like a blanket. i told the northern lights that i love him. that i miss him.

my toes are numb and my ears burn and all i want is to have him back. he would lay out where i was standing all the time, not wanting to come in even when it was cold. i wanted to feel how he felt.

the sky is getting greener with different waves near the mountain top and getting wider in the middle of the sky. brief flashes of fireworks interrupt in the corner. even though there are no streetlights, it never really gets dark super dark here.

i'm staring at his pawprints in the yard again. i remember when we first got him. my mom walked him to our middle school to pick us up as a suprise. he had 4 owners before he landed with us. how could someone not want the most perfect dog. i would do anything to have him back.

i loved him so much. i still love him. there's waves of comfort and waves of grief and all i know is that it hurts. i don't know where to put the love.

anytime i listen to the song "it's quiet uptown" from the hamilton playlist, i get so sad. the grief of losing a child is rippled throughout so well. the bit where hamilton says, "and i pray. that never used to happen before." is so strong. the part where the company says, "his hair has gone gray, he passes everyday, they say he walks the length of the city." is so powerful. the part where he talks to eliza, "if i could spare his life. if i could trade his life for mine, he'd be standing here right now, and you would smile, and that would be enough." is so heartbreaking. the part where angelica sings, "we push away the unimaginable." is so real. the part where eliza takes hamilton's hand in the garden, and sings, "it's quiet uptown." is so strong. the part where the company sings, "forgiveness. can you imagine? forgiveness." is so strong.

what a beautifully written song.

my grandma is dead. it was my parents wedding anniversary. my dad bought flowers and a cake. i came home screaming, "happy wedding anniversary!!" only to be cut off by my dad. he pulled me aside and said, "grandma's dead."

my grandma is dead. it's my mother's birthday february 1st. she's turning 49. my brother was meant to come home and we were gonna plan a surprise for her.

my grandma is dead. ten minutes after i found out, i took my dog out for a walk. i left at 4:20. i came back at 5:30. i was crying the whole time.

my grandma is dead. the grief came in waves. i would remember, then cry, then stop. and then remember, then cry, and then stop. remember, cry, stop. remember, cry, stop.

my grandma is dead. the last thing she said to me was, "stay safe. ill see you next time,". now there is no next time. the next time will be me infront of her grave.

my grandma is dead. i was too scared to talk to my mom. too scared to look at her. i would cry if i did. and i can't cry infront of my mom about her mom dying, that's rude.

my mother's mother is dead. she has no parents any more. when we went to visit her, my mom would tell my cousins and aunts and uncles that her mom was fine. she was bedridden but could still speak, she could still remember everything, she only had trouble hearing. she would tell everyone that that's how strong her mother is. was.

my grandma is dead. and god i miss her. id only ever seen her 12-16 times. me and my family live in the us, but everyone else lived outside the us. traveling home costs a lot, and so we could only go once a year. but i wish we went more. i wish i talked to her more. i wish i sat with her more. i wish she was still alive.

my grandmother is dead.

Aesthetics of grief

Wilhelm Kotarbiński (1848 – 1921) "Angel of Sadness", "The Grave of a Suicide"

Mikhail Nesterov (1862-1942) "Myrrh-bearing Women"

Pavel Ryzhenko (1970-2014) "Sergiy"/ Sergey Andiyaka (1958-2024) "New Year's Night"

Giuseppe Benetti (1825-1914) "Piaggio Tomb" / an epitaph on a tombstone / William Story (1819 - 1895) "The Weeping Angel"

an epitaph on a tombstone / a tombstone of Alfred Schnittke, a composer. The symbol 𝄐, fermata, means "to stop, to hold till the sound disappears", the long thick line in the music staff, semibreve, means "whole rest" and fff, forte fortissimo, means "super loud". So, since the creator of the music is no longer there, there is only an everlasting, deafeningly loud silence.

Horace Vernet (1789 - 1863) "Angel of Death"