Changing - Blog Posts

Still the desire of sending you music.

Changing

No one ever said changing for the better would be easy. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to doing the things that I used to but…. When I look back at those times, I realize the same thing over and over again. There’s no point in doing something that will just hurt you more in the end.

If someone asked me what I thought about myself a month ago, I would’ve told them: “I wish I could die but not really.” Being asked the same question now, I answer with: “it’s complicated. It’s hard respecting and fully loving myself while being constantly told what my faults are.” I want more for myself. I want to care. Sure, this is actually a new thing for me. I’ll be honest with you; it’s weird and sometimes I think it’s pointless. I’m not really one for showing those closest to me how I really feel. I’m so used to hiding my feelings that now when I try to express myself it can be misunderstood.

Nowadays I am taking care of myself more and focusing on myself which has caused me to stop doing the things that I used to. I feel bad for the people I used to talk to because I never got to explain anything to them. I just had left them without saying goodbye. Sometimes I wish I could tell them what’s been going on and how I am doing but then I remember one minor detail. They don’t care about me nor will they ever. 

No matter how much I wish this wasn’t true it is…. And inevitably, I’m alone during this self-transformation for the better.

Would anyone want a video on how I went from dressing in decora kei to, this?

Lol idk what to call my current style. I just do what I want

“I am going to change, I promise” I never knew that changing could mean leaving Maybe not even you knew Maybe no one could

I saw that; I saw you How you kept your promise of changing How you and your mind drifted away every day a little bit more a little bit more away from me away from staying

I changed to stop you from leaving No matter how similar we may be Our words may sound the same But changing never meant leaving to me

Like I never meant home to you

Ceaselessly changing

When are we ready, grown-up, clever or wise? Is there a certain phase, defined by scholars of past ages?

Human societies are all about metamorphosis: we always want to transfigure into something we think is sublime. And we very often succeed in our efforts, however, this just opens our eyes to see how vast the unknown is. I don't mean it scientifically; it's meant to be understood in the most artsy way you can imagine, I'm not going to be pretentious though, I'm just in the mood.

The past three or four months have really brought a wave of revelations and I caught a glimpse of the magnitude of the lack of knowledge about grand things I have. I'm well-aware this is terribly confusing but it's difficult for me to put my feelings into words, still, I'm compelled to give it my best shot.

Returning to my greatly eventful time, I must admit it was not at all eventful. All it was is just a period of trying my wings, seeing if I can fly. But I can't, there's just no way I could challenge the gravity and all laws of physics. I mean this, again, in a metaphorical way.

I've read books that showed me a new side of literature, I've seen movies that changed my thinking about film-making, I've had conversations that introduced me to a more humane side that people tend to conceal and I've revisited my early infatuations and through all of these things I've come to realise a great thing. I'm much less like me and much more like you -- like the entirety of us, humans. Through these things I began to understand myself more and more, to appreciate the world and each person around me.

This is an eternally complex and beautiful world. We have so little time to explore it and yet, we can always return to anything and enjoy it as if it was the first time of trying it out. We're so very close to death. But it's okay. I don't mind it because I believe that I will have emptied what fate has in store for me till my last day on Earth and what else could I wish above that? Another life? No, I'll pass. But I'll gladly go to Heaven :)

I'm in love again. In love with the Spring, the Day, Learning, Words and Actions, Traveling and You. I hope you're reading this because I'm madly in love with you Baby :)