There Are Days

We are like two bubbles. We exsist in the same universe. Sometimes our paths are pretty close. But when it all bursts, we won't even know the other exsists...

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I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life.

Voltaire (via quotemadness)

Advanced English Adjectives

Garrulous - excessively talkative

Sententious - given to moralizing in a pompous or affected manner

Pertinacious - holding firmly to an opinion or a course of action

Propitious - giving or indicating a good chance of succeess, favorable

Captious - (of a person) tending to find fault or raise petty objections

Exiguous - very small in size or amount

Contumacious - (especially of a defendant’s behavior) stubbornly or willfully disobedient to authority

Perspicacious - having a ready insight into an understanding of things.

Scurrilous - making or spreading scandalous claims about someone with intention of damaging their reputation

Sumptuous - splendid and expensive-looking

Pervicacious - very obstinate or stubborn

Temerarious - reckless, rash

Sagacious - having or showing keen mental discernment and good judgement

Magnanimous - generous or forgiving, especially to a rival or less powerful person

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The Secret Lives of Colour / The Secret Lives of Color, by Kassia St Clair, Hodder & Stoughton, London, 2016 / Penguin Random House, New York, NY, 2017

I don’t know if you ever loved me. I don’t know if the late night drives and hands held meant anything to you. But I like to think they did. I like to think that a tiny smile formed on your face when you imagined the way we laughed together. I like to believe that whenever you felt sad and alone, I was the one who made you feel whole again. Because that’s what you did for me. Without ever knowing it you were making my life better. So even if you never loved me like I loved you, I hope that I still made your life better too.

(via ifthenightcouldtalk)

I am trying...

So recently I posted about the situation I am having regarding my former best friend...

I guess you could call this post an update. But it's more just me and my feelings. I guess.

So yeah. He's still going through things. But I feel like it's getting better for him. Because he seemed happy today. He's lucky... I've been having a few bad days recently.

So on Saturday (today is Monday) I messaged him. I told him I miss him. Three simple words, but they have so much meaning. It was true. I did miss him. He's never at college anymore and when he is, he never talks to me, we never hang out. So I miss him. We don't even text anymore.

He replied with "I feel like people don't understand me or how to deal with me". Thanks... Like, everyone wants to hear that after they tell someone they miss them... I didn't get it. Like if that's what you're gonna say, maybe it would've been better if you didn't reply at all... I needed my best friend. This last week was really hard, but I'll explain that in my next post...

He then asked me what people actually want from him. I told him that I didn't know, but explained that I just wanted my best friend back. I wanted to feel like I was still important to him. I wanted to go back to having 3am weird conversations and comparing our knowledge of superheroes and anime. I just wanted him in my life again. But I guess that won't happen because he just replied with "Wow..."

That's when I realised it. I realised that I wasn't important to him anymore. That I wasn't a factor in his life. He acted so normal today. Well, from the way he acted around everyone else. I decided that I needed to act normal too. Like everything was okay.

Usually. I use my college campus as a sanctuary. A place where everything is normal and I can get away from the drama that is my family and home life. However, now I can't run because the problem is on campus. So instead, I pretend. I hang out with all my other friends. People who actually care. When I spoke to other people about this they told me to just forget it. That it wasn't worth it. I knew this already, but hearing it from other people made me realise how real it was. How much I actually had to do this.

At the end of last year I started to feel like he was just using me. When he was broke, I was there, paying for his Ubers and buying him lunch. He wouldn't even say thank you. He would just take the money or the food and hang out with other people. When he couldn't print his assignments, I was there with my inkjet printer. And when I had no ink I would run and print at a printing house. But I never received a thank you for that either... I never expected him to pay me back for any of this (which he hasn't) , but I atleast wanted to feel like I was appreciated.

He blamed me for a lot. He said that the reason he never wanted to be around me was because I give a lot of negative energy. Ironically I was negative because of him. I was negative because he would ask me for all these favours and never return them or even say thank you. I was also going through a lot with my family. My aunt and uncle are always fighting or complaining. My brother and sister are never home, so their anger gets taken out on me... All the complaining and fighting and anger, I put up with that...

Funny enough, he has a lot of negative energy these days. I'm trying to stay positive. This is our last year in college. I need to make it count. So that is why I decided to let him go. Completely this time. I feel like I'm stuck in a routine. I tell myself to let him go and leave him. Stop being there. But then I see him and he looks like death so I give in and try to help him. He pushes me away and I give up, only for the process to start again in a few days. So now. I need to do this. This isn't me giving up on him. This is me giving him space and wishing him well, but putting myself first.

The pain of letting go won't be as bad as the pain I felt trying to stay...

I don’t draw these guys enough!