Only If You Want To

only if you want to

pairings: john b x fem!reader

Info/warnings: anxiety, established new relationship, fem!reader but can maybe be read as gender neutral.

asks: open! 𝜗𝜚

a/n: based off the song above!! just thought it’d be comforting especially as someone who struggles with anxiety!!

“if you wanna love me, try to get inside my brain. experience is nothing compared to the nights I'm always up so late”

it’s the third time this week you’ve woken up in a cold sweat, anxious for no reason that you can recall. you feel bile rise in your throat and wonder if throwing up will make the feeling go away. you go to the small kitchen and get a glass of water, trying not to wake john b or jj. you thought sleeping on the couch of the chateau would help with your recent sleep troubles, but you clearly thought wrong. you leaned against the counter and chugged the water before lightly placing it in the sink.

everything seemed so fast yet so slow when you got like this. you felt a sense of impending doom but also felt like it would never end. you didn’t even notice your own crying until a tear fell onto your grey tank top, the water mark visible. you wiped your eyes and moved to sit on the kitchen floor. you figured it’s better than jj waking up to you crying on the couch near him.

you tucked your knees into your chest and tried to take deep breaths, but every breath you took felt like it just wasn’t deep enough. you felt your body tingling and put your head into your hands. you wanted the feeling to go away, how is it that rest is the thing that’s supposed to help and yet you can’t stay asleep for more than 3 hours? you were so caught in your thoughts that you didn’t even notice the sound of footsteps out into the kitchen. Your ears were ringing and you felt unreal.

it wasn’t until he sat down by you that you noticed john b was awake, and in the room with you. you lifted your gaze but didn’t look at him. “I’m sorry john b, I didn’t mean to wake you.” your words were choked out, and if you weren’t so caught up in your own thoughts then maybe you’d feel bad for yourself. You felt his hand around your upper back as he pulled you closer to him. you could tell he was tired by his slow movement and you felt terrible. he broke the silence with a whisper. “wasnt you that woke me, just had to use the bathroom.” you knew it was a lie, but you also knew that his intentions were good.

you leaned your head on his shoulder and let out a shaky breath, tears still occasionally falling. “bee, i dunno what’s wrong with me..” your words were mumbled but understandable. you felt him shake his head as his hand came up to stroke your hair. “i know” is all he said. and yet, those two words seemed to make you feel slightly better. he didn’t invalidate you, he didn’t call you dramatic or say there’s nothing wrong. Instead he acknowledged it and let you know that he understands.

“wishing i still had my dreams. late night started, take up space. 'cause every time i try to remember, lack of sleep takes half my brain”

you couldn’t tell how long you guys sat there for, but he let you cry to him. he let you express the same things you expressed the night before, and the night before that. and he actually listened, he responded when it was right and stayed quiet when you needed him to. you don’t know how you got so lucky. your relationship was still so new you didn’t know how he was okay with dealing with this. how was he okay dealing with you?

he rubbed your shoulder before slowly standing up, you knew he wasn’t leaving the room though. he took down a plastic cup from the cabinet and opened the fridge. he poured a bit of milk in the cup before bringing it to the microwave and putting it in for a minute. you looked up at him and furrowed your brows. when it was done he took it out and handed it to you.

“it helps calm you down— my dad used to do it for me when i was younger.” you nodded at him slowly and gave him a small smile, even with tear stained cheeks and somewhat messy hair he thought you were gorgeous. you took a few sips of the milk before setting it down. he moved to sit back down, but this time directly in front of you. his hand moved to rest on your knee as his thumb rubbed back and fourth comfortingly. you felt terrible keeping him up, you felt terrible bringing all of these feelings you had into his home.

“you can go back to bed” you affirmed him, he only shook his head and moved his hand from your knee to your hand. “i need to know you’re asleep first” his words made you wanna cry again. you couldn’t fall back asleep, not tonight anyway. you didn’t want to keep him awake and waiting for nothing. “i can’t.” you murmured. john b looked up at the clock on the wall that was surly an hour behind and bit his inner lip.

“if you want, you could stay with me in my bed. if you want to, only if you want to”

“come lay with me.” his words were spoken in a quick whisper, but weren’t hesitated. you focused your gaze more on him now and furrowed your brows before slowly shaking your head. you spoke, your voice broken. “i’m not gonna make you do that.” you felt like such a burden. even if he didn’t show it, your mind told you that’s what you were.

“you’re not making me do anything. i want you to.” again, his words were sure. you thought to yourself, looking at the cup of milk that sat beside you on the floor. you picked it up and took another small sip of it before placing it back down. “only if you want to, though.” his voice slightly startled you that time.

you scanned his face for any expression of a lie, for any hope that you’d turn him down. but it wasn’t there, he really did care. he really did want to help you feel better. you looked at him and nodded. “okay.”

“if you want, you can go ahead and fix my head. if you want to, only if you want to”

he took both of your hands and helped you up onto your feet, leaving the cup on the floor to be picked up in the morning. he led you to his room and shut the door. he was touching you so lightly, almost as if it was something physically wrong with you. he was just too good to you. he let you take the side of his bed near the wall while he took the outer end. he pulled the blanket up over the both of you and wrapped an arm around your stomach while the other moved up for his hand to brush through your hair.

“i’m no doctor, but for you i’ll do anything i can to figure it out” his words were a tired whisper in your ear, but they were genuine. he’s only as young as you, only as naive as you. but he would still spend hours with you on the kitchen floor listening. he would still do anything he could to get inside your mind and fix whatever makes you feel like this. for you he’s willing to do it his whole life. the thought of that is what put you to sleep, and with a kiss to your temple he drifted off beside you.