Saphic - Blog Posts

Silvia

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Last Sunday was Mother’s Day in my country, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about your first Mother’s Day as Sevika’s wife. The smell of coffee and freshly baked bread wakes you before your daughter’s cries do, which is unusual. The little one has had a set routine since she was born: she wakes up early for you to feed her, then goes back to sleep until she’s hungry again. You blink slowly, your body heavy with the accumulated exhaustion of interrupted nights, and reach out to the side of the bed where Sevika sleeps, only to find her gone, which makes you frown, though the aroma in the air tells you exactly where she is.

When you finally sit up in bed, you see her coming into the room with a tray in her hands. This time, her expression isn’t tough at all; it’s a strange mix of pride and shyness. Her steps are heavy but careful, her breathing deep and controlled, trying to be as quiet as possible so she doesn’t wake you. She’s so focused on not making a sound that she doesn’t notice your eyes are already open, watching her with a sweet smile.

“Good morning, beautiful,” she says when she finally looks up, her voice low and husky, as if she’s afraid to break the moment. “Happy first Mother’s Day.”

On the tray: golden toast, perfectly scrambled eggs, hot coffee, and a small plate of fruit. Next to it, a little black velvet box.

“Sevika…” you whisper, with a smile you didn’t even know you could make so early in the morning.

She sets the tray on your lap, sits at the edge of the bed, and opens the little box for you. Inside, there’s a silver necklace. On the pendant, a tiny inscription:

“The best of me, I share with you.”

You open the locket and see a tiny photo: you, Sevika, and Silvie, your daughter, on the couch. It was taken a few months ago, days after you were discharged from the hospital after giving birth. In the photo, the baby is resting in Sevika’s arms. She’s looking at the camera with a shy smile, as if she’s learning how to smile again after so long and, in a way, she is.

“I love you,” is all you can manage in that moment, you don’t know how to say more with so few words. “Happy first Mother’s Day to you too, love. Watching you be a mother is one of the greatest privileges of my life.”

Sevika, uncomfortable with so much affection all at once, clears her throat and leans in to kiss your forehead. Her hands reach for your face, holding it gently, caressing your cheeks as her lips travel slowly over your forehead, nose, chin, and finally end with a soft kiss on your lips. She doesn’t respond to your congratulations. Ever since you decided to have Silvie, Sevika has insisted that you’re the mother, after all, you carried her for nine months, you breastfeed her, and so on. You keep disagreeing, the girl has Sevika’s face, her gray eyes, thick black hair, and even though she’s only five months old, she already makes the same grumpy face as your wife. As she pulls away, Sevika hands you the coffee, as if that balances out the emotion of the moment.

“I have to go,” she murmurs, stroking your hair, trying to comb it gently with her fingers. “Get some rest, okay? I already fed the little one, so she won’t wake up for a while.”

Before you can answer, she keeps talking: “I know your mom is coming for lunch this afternoon, so relax. Breakfast is already done, and I doubt my lovely mother-in-law will let you cook. We both know she still thinks you’re too weak from giving birth, even though Silvie’s teeth are already starting to come in.”

You smile at her words and can’t help but sigh as you watch her leave for work, not without first giving the baby sleeping in the crib beside your bed a gentle kiss on the head. In the afternoon, the house is filled with Silvie’s laughter as she plays on your mother’s lap. Silvie babbles sweetly, responding to whatever her grandmother says as if she truly understands. You, on the other hand, are sitting in front of them, absent-mindedly playing with your fingers without even realizing it.

“Is something wrong, honey?” your mother asks, her eyes on you, and you recognize that look that cuts through silences.

You look up, your eyes shining.

“It’s Mother’s Day and I…” you pause. “I feel like I’m celebrating it alone.”

“Alone? But Silvie is with you, and Sevika too, right?”

“Yes, but Sevika doesn’t consider herself a mom,” you reply, lowering your gaze. “She says that since she didn’t carry her, since she didn’t give birth it’s not the same. That she just supported me. But… I see her with Silvie, she takes care of her, sings to her, changes her diaper and still, she doesn’t feel like she’s part of this.”

Your mother stays silent for a few seconds. Then she leans in and strokes your hand. “Do you know what your grandmother used to do when I didn’t feel like I fit in as a mother? She reminded me that being a mother isn’t just about giving birth. It’s about staying when things are hard, about loving unconditionally. Maybe your wife just needs someone to tell her that. For you to tell her.”

You purse your lips, thoughtful. “And what if she doesn’t believe me?”

“Then don’t just tell her. Make her feel it. Write her a letter, or give her something that carries the weight of what she means to you and to her daughter. Sometimes, what doesn’t go in through the ears goes straight to the heart.”

When Sevika comes home that night, she’s tired, her mechanical arm moving slower than usual. But when she walks in and sees the table decorated with flowers, a homemade dinner, and you holding Silvie in your arms, the tension in her shoulders melts away. After your conversation with your mother, you decided to do everything you could to make your wife understand how important she is to you and to your little girl. After making dinner, you dressed Silvie in a blue dress and did her hair in two little pigtails, which took forever, since she doesn’t like having her hair done. When you finished with her, you found a sundress in your closet that matched your daughter’s, putting in the effort to look nice for your wife.

“What’s all this?” she asks, raising an eyebrow.

“My Mother’s Day gift for you,” you reply, showing her a sheet of paper folded in thirds: a handwritten letter from you, with a tiny handprint from Silvie at the end. Sevika takes it, but doesn’t pay much attention for now. Her eyes are fixed on you, on your nervous smile, unsure how she’ll react to the surprise, on the way the dress highlights every part of your body she knows by heart. Without saying a word, she comes closer, her hands finding your hips and caressing them with a mix of tenderness and possessiveness, squeezing them lightly as she speaks:

“You look beautiful, love. I can’t believe you did all this for me.”

You smile and lean in for a quick kiss on the lips. As you try to pull away, Sevika pulls you back and traps you in a more passionate kiss, her lips moving against yours with such need that you forget everything around you, until Silvie, seeing her moms sharing all the love between them, complains, whining and reaching out for Sevika to pick her up.

“Mama,” she demands, opening and closing her hands to get her other mom’s attention.

Sevika smiles and takes her from your arms, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead. “Hey, princess, did you miss me?”

Silvie just smiles, her little hands reaching for Sevika’s face, touching her scar as if it’s a special game just for her. You let her catch up with her baby, but impatience eats at you.

“Open the letter,” you insist with a smile, unable to hold back any longer.

Sevika chuckles, finding your restlessness amusing. Then, with Silvie in her arms, she opens the letter, trying not to crumple it. She reads it in silence, says nothing for long seconds, but you see a small tear escape, betraying her. She wipes it away quickly. Then she lowers the letter and looks at you, her eyes shining, jaw tight as if holding herself together is her way of loving.

“Love,” she starts, but her voice breaks. She sighs, searching for a way to organize her feelings. “Are you too tired? I want to introduce you to someone very important to me. Let’s go see her, come with me.” Her words come out in a rush, almost unintelligible. You blink several times, trying to process what she just said.

“Go where?”

“To see her. My mother.”

Zaun’s cemetery rests hidden among smoking factories and poisoned canals. There are no flowers or prayers, just scraps of metal marking anonymous graves. It’s a chilling place, where the dead don’t rest, they simply stop getting in the way. But none of that bothers you, you’re focused on what’s happening right now: it’s the first time Sevika has ever spoken to you about her mother. The grave is simple, marked by a plaque worn down by time.

Sevika kneels. You stay close. Silvie rests in Sevika’s arms, and the baby seems to understand her mother’s pain, her sadness, because since Sevika picked her up at home, she hasn’t wanted to let go, lying on her shoulder, sucking her pacifier, eyes wide open, staring at the grave.

“She… was strong. Much stronger than me,” the words come out broken. “Mama.” Her voice cracks. Looking at her, you don’t see Sevika, the woman everyone fears, you see a little girl, defenseless, alone. “I never said goodbye. But if you can see me now, I know you’d understand why I’m fighting.”

She pauses for a long time, stroking the edge of the grave with her metal fingers, as if afraid to break it.

“This is my wife, Mom. She’s my family now,” she continues, pointing at you. “And this,” she adds, looking at Silvie, “is the beginning of something better.” Sevika smiles sadly. “She has your name, Mom—Silvia. But we call her Silvie, because she’s so little.”

You kneel beside her., taking her hand. You feel her tremble.

“Thank you for bringing me,” you whisper.

“Thank you for making me a mom,” Sevika replies, without looking at you. But she squeezes your hand as if she’ll never let go.

That night, under Zaun’s polluted sky, Sevika cries. You hold her. And Silvie, after spending the whole day with her mothers and grandmothers, sleeps. In that scarred corner of the world, something new is born. Something strong.

Something Sevika only knows from women like her mother. Like you.

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