Panic Attack - Blog Posts

so like who was gonna tell me that someone yelling at me was all I needed to have a panic attack and contemplate relapsing???

Having some anxiety and a small panic attack related to my fear of heart attacks so I decided to make a funny meme to help cope lol. My brain thought of this immediately so I had to make it.

Told all my friends I was going to bed and ended up having anpanic attack an hour lster with no guts to reach out to anyone :”) I feel like im dying ans my brain is convinced Im dying and I feel two seconds from bursting into tears and calling my FP to have him calm me down..But I wont. Ill just lay here suffering in fear because I just cant bring myself to do things..

Little Intro

Hi, My call me Dee! I'm a 23-year-old NonBinary[Neutrois] Spoonie. Over the past few years, I've gotten a few official DX’s after suffering for years since I was really young. Its been hard trying to come to terms with things and accepting my mind and body for what they are and the illnesses I do have. It's taken this long to stop fighting myself and consider extensive therapy and medicine. I tried when I was younger but being a mentally Ill and hurting kid I didn’t want to accept certain things. Especially when society makes things like mental illness so taboo. But I’m 23 now and I realize I went through nothing a child should ever have to, and yes I survived but at the cost of my mental and physical well being. Coming to terms with that, and that I can't and will never be fully able-bodied is hard. I'm hoping that eventually, I learn to accept and love myself the way I am and stop comparing myself to others. A bit about my conditions:

Mental:

•C-PTSD

•Anxiety/Panic Disorder [Severe]

•BPD

•Bipolar

•Depression [Severe]

•Dissociative Disorder

•DPDR

•OCD

•Paranoid Personality Disorder

•Maladaptive Daydreaming. [not sure if this counts much.]

| I also think I have OSDD-1b but I'm too scared to tell my new Doctor just yet.

Physical:

•IBS-D

•Fibromyalgia

•PCOS

•Psoriasis

•Terrible sinus/ear issues that we don't know what it's from yet.

•Eating Disorders. [A and B, as well as BED]  •Sluggish Gallbladder

Medications:

Going to start Vistaril soon for my anxiety. Hope it helps. If anyone is on it too let me know how it helps for you.

Tldr; I'm using this blog as a way to help vent and come to terms with things about my mental and physical health. The past few years have hit me so hard. A lot of trauma memories resurfacing because of trying to recover from abuse and a bad childhood. The stress of this flaring up my body and a lot of invalidation from my mother and family. I just want to at least make a small place for myself where I can feel that I somewhat belong, even a tiny bit.

So..Lets see where this goes. :)

Last night was one of the worst. I just couldn’t stop crying cuz somebody close to me almost died. Thankfully everything turned out fine in the end but it really took a toll on me. I couldn’t sleep so I tried reading a book but that just made me cry more. Life is hard innit </3

I think it's really clever design to put the heart right next to the lungs

that way, I can have panic attacks in my heart and chest, while the rest of me is fine, and is looking at my heart with the morbid curiosity/annoyedment of someone watching a toddler having a tantrum in a grocery store.

and an ice cube to bring you out of fight-or-flight mode by making you salivate with cold feeling to distract you from yourself. (at least i think i saw a post somewhere for this i can’t be 100% certain) (i’m like 87% certain)

Ah, don’t you just love anxiety attacks that happen for no reason?

headcanon: Danny's body force-transformes itself into his phantom form when he gets a panic attack. It's a defense-mechanism to help him calm down as he doesn't need to breath in his ghost form.

Do with this whatever you like

Do you ever start to panic for no reason just to realise that you haven’t been breathing? Sometimes I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack out of nowhere and then I just start breathing again and I’m fine. What’s up with that?? I didn’t even notice I stopped breathing in the first place

Ever felt such anxiety when your legs stop working completely? Where you can’t move anything underneath your shoulders really. Where you have no other option than to stare up to the ceiling, waiting for your body to respond again. Alone with your thoughts. No clue what happened or why, just accepting that it’s a part of your life now.

Had the first of these attacks over a year ago. It lasted an hour. The next as well. Then 50. 45. 30. I still have them, but mostly 15-20 minutes before I get my legs to move.

I still don’t know what causes them, but I have learned to see them coming. Days in advance where my autism can be a little extra, social skills go down for a moment, hyper-attention goes way up. Or random heavy breathing, now that I have a job can last the whole afternoon, where I spend every break meditating, 5 minutes at a time.

One day I will learn to counter them

World Mental Health Day!

Mental Health has become a larger life issue for me than I expected. (Life issue? Life focus? Might not be the right word, there is a word for it…)

I have struggled with mental health, I have friends that do, family that does. I have social anxieties and panic attacks and days it’s hard to get my foot out of the door and it’s important to me to work on myself and try to help everyone around me in every way I can. And it had led to periods of loneliness and dropping out of university and problems with job-hunting. But I also read psychology in my last year of high school and a lot of articles about everything between earth and the sky and it really helped me overcome a lot of old obstacles.

And I love it when fiction handles mental health. The sole reason I like Miraculous so much is that they handle anxiety, panic attacks and stress. Big reason I love Life is Strange so much is Kate Marsh and the effects of bullying and hopelessness. Big reason I like MCU Spider-Man is Mysterio, his special kind of brutality, mind games and effects of his lies on Peter’s life and mental health. Same with RDJ’s Tony Stark or Anakin Skywalker or really any famously unhealthy fictional character.

So yeah, a big part of fiction is escapism and to get away from stuff, but also fun when they handle it and helps me to easier explain and understand my mental stuff.

Most people got annoyed with me as I freaked out seeing a spider in my class today. The spider was small, I admit, but it was jumping like crazy in a lightning speed. And trust me when I say, it scared me to death.

I'm not joking when I say I'm scared of spiders. Spiders are my worst nightmares.

I was scared of it since I was a child. My mother also used to get annoyed at me. Whenever I complained about a spider in our bathroom, she would force me to go in, instead of removing it. I feared it so much, that I had scary nightmares of it for a long time. I even cried myself to sleep some nights. I would pray to God to remove all kinds of spiders around me.

I got older. But my fear didn't go. Recently I went to stay with one of my aunts from my father's side of the family. There were huge spiders on their walls of the room I was staying in. And guess what? I stayed up most of the night and watched them move along the walls. Since I was very tired, eventually I fell asleep. But the moment I woke up next day, I searched for the location of those little creatures immediately.

An information to you, who get annoyed by any people freaking out at a thing which you may find pretty silly: People don't freak out to get attention.

I swear, I was embarrassed to death when I came to my sense after those brief moments of panic. I could hear my heart beating upto my throat. As an overthinker, I would probably relive those moments the whole day and probably the whole week. It's not like I can make all the choices for my brain.

“You good?” Sevika asks, and Vi barks out a laugh.

“Oh yeah. Fucking peachy.” She says through grit teeth, then sucks in smoke harder than was necessary to avoid elaborating.

Sevika leans her shoulder against the wall beside Vi, looking down at her, expression unreadable. There was a bruise forming in the shape of Vi’s knuckles on her jaw. Lucky shot. The only real hit Vi had managed to get in.

“There’s some girls at Babette’s who can’t do penetration either,” Sevika offers, and Vi bristles.

***

Vi has some old wounds that never healed. Sevika likes to pick at them. They find a way to start healing them together.

***

I debated posting this here. Trigger warning for rape, panic attacks, ptsd, and violence.

''Lêávé mè áløñè''

@jrdiehl96