My Diary - Blog Posts

27/12/24 ☆

i came home at 8pm today, the world is so loud and i like keeping quiet. i want to curl up an become a glowing orb

a new friend is already draining me i feel like i have to mask

i met 2 close friends today over hot chocolate and i love them both + physics assignment set :[

02/05/24 ♡

its finally may ! also exam season.. today was really nice i managed to go to a bookstore today and buy a book for myself and then i went into school to meet my friend after and it was really nice i love walking a lot, this duck followed me + i got oreo boba with extra oreo 🤤

30/04/24 ♡

im gonna keep my entries short now~ today was very chill i have a horrible sore throat and it really sucks to have but i enjoyed good fruit ! ive been living in my head today,, my mind is far better than anything else rn 😭

what ive been listening to:

01/04/24 ☆○°•》♡

it is 4 am !

what ive been listening to recently:

its now the last few days of ramadan lets go i've loved making springrolls everyday without fail 😝

these days have been so ?? ever since my last post i got pulled into the attendance office at school and they were so stern and stubborn about me being in on time and the lady went as far as calling me stupid and jobless 😬

but now that the easter break has come by things seem so nice and quiet and i baked for the first time in a while !! it was so nice my brownies came out so well look at how scrumptious they look,,

on top of my amazing brownies which i might drop the recipe to soon, i also have been speaking to my friends so much more !! im closer with a few people now and healed from people who have hurt me i feel loved and i fuck w it !!

also working on self concept and my spiritual aspect has worked so well i've been keeping my thoughts on a leash and i feel like im in a studio ghibli film on a train and the wind is hitting my face slowly yk?

if i told this to me last november she wouldve sobbed so hard, im glad im doing better yay

09/03/24 ☆☆☆

well damn its been a while.

what im listening to rn!:

the last time i updated was on the 16th last month!? thats like 3 weeks my bad

but now its odd cause i have nothing to say

it's safe to say that these last 3 weeks have been spent on self improvement on my inner self but honestly i need to be focusing on my academics 😭 i have A LOT of coursework to do its insane but ima be real and say i do not care i cannot lie

i'm generally feeling happier !! ♡ its nice feeling somewhat better than this month last year,, i've been feeling fulfilled

but that also means i am near 1 full year of being s/h clean ‼️ (pls cheer)

me and my brother stepped out for a little while yesterday :

i will be updating a lot more 💀 i will actually keep up on it too 😝

\♡3♡/ 16/02/24

i havent updated in a while !! but things are really starting to go my way and im grateful each step of the way~

what ive had on repeat recently :3 :

on saturday me and all my friends did a galentines party and it was so cute and fun and i really enjoyed it !! the cake was yummy (we wrote most boys suck on it) and we all had sm fun

(me in the back with my massive pink sweater and phone 😭😭)

and everyday since then ive just had a really nice fulfillment in my heart ive been working on my self concept too and even manifested a few things~ being grateful for a lot of things really is the answer i cannot believe how far gratitude has gotten me

ive also been working on being more spiritual ever since ive learnt about perception and its influence on the human mind and its been really peaceful so far,,

ive gone ahead and downloaded a bunch of games off of my cousin which resulted in me doing this the whole of yesterday :

i do plan on playing more and the rest of the franchise ofc 😁

thats ab it,, i wanna update weekly instead of everyday now i think its more doable for me

anyway i wish you resiliance, abundance, love and joy ♡♡

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 11/02/24

express gratitude always ♡

today i've had this song on repeat for the entire day i cannot lie, it's brought me so much peace i love it so much. i've also been thinking about how much love and light is around me and how much importance is around me i cannot physically put into words how it makes me feel as of recent.

i was also thinking, is it possible to grieve the present? or is there another word for what im feeling, it's like i am hyper aware all that is happening in front of me and how much energy and molecules of matter exist in front of me and how i have the pleasure to be awake and breathing so much so that it makes me want to cry for hours on end.. the fact that my soul and body got a chance to co-exist in one reality? .. it seems almost dystopian even though its just life. i dont want anyone to dull this spark of gratitude that ive been feeling. its so euphoric, like genuine self love i suppose? i feel it in me in waves. i'm guessing its good energy.

i drank a lot of tea today, started a new lego piece and watched one of my fave kdramas. how i wish i could live a simple life like this after the school holiday period.

wait why would i wish when i can just believe

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 08/02/24

all is not lost and grief is needed in order to heal.

ive been trying to make myself all put together and healed up when i havent even done the first step yet which is grieving, ive been putting it off for so long but the reality is that healing does not come without intense emotional releases and i had no idea that i was damaging myself by not allowing myself to process it all, now that i did that today it is very much tiring but its so much more better than staying in an anxious and low state all the time. all is well !! and i believe i will get better and love myself more each and everyday

its really hard to admit that i let someone treat me like i was less than and believed it but also the fact that i saw myself as less deserving, i dont want to be hateful at my past self so all i can do is love and let go no matter how long it takes to do so,, i'll def be sleeping with a clear mind and come to the acceptance of that pain

but i also finished my kuromi lego set today !! look it >

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 07/02/24

today i can safely say im grateful for everything and everyone that has come my way ♡ i was speaking to my friends a whole lot more today and felt the love all around, i love them so much !! i also worked up the courage to go to lesson today which is something i dont do often, my tiredness and anxiety gets the best of me but im glad i went today, it made me realise that maybe i do enjoy the things that i do, i cant wait for many more blessings to come my way, in fact havent they already? i'm def working on putting a diary entry up everyday 😭 ive got this !

however i know my days arent always sunshine and rainbows, i struggled a lot with unwanted thoughts today.. detachment does not come easy right now but i know it will be easy tommorow. let go and let god is something i now live by.

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 2/2/24

todays been all about challenging emotions, not cause i wanted it to be but instead it has just come to the point where its making me feel a little crazy,, all of this pent up emotion has me looking at myself in the mirror different.

but i know i cant move forward without expressing all of this emotion, yet i keep on catching myself being so worried about other peoples expectations even when they arent even in my life anymore, not just that but also the way i look to other people. i dont want to be like that anymore its draining and irritating and ive been quite irritated today :( it takes patience to make everything fall into order and accept but i wish it was just like night and day, is this a form of karma or punishment? im not sure..

im trying to be kinder to myself and as long as im trying i know there will be an outcome.

but on the positive side i got bubble tea today with my best friend :)

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 31/01/24

i completely forgot to update yesterday,,

i had the worst period cramps ever they hurt so bad and i puked 5 times, truly awful

today just consisted of rest and relaxation but also healing, im aware im not making as much progress as i can be however i like these small steps and im really starting to feel at peace even if im not the happiest on most days

i finally get that healing isn't about keeping peace at all costs but instead going through emotions and processing them and turning back to peace, choosing love over fear always ♡♡

i finally got to play persona 5 royal today, i'd been putting it off cause of my mood but im so glad i did today it really turned my head back on what i usually enjoy,, i cant wait for friday cause thats when persona 3 reload comes out !! i've heard the ost leak for colour the night and i'm absolutely loving it !!

i'll prioritise good time and good friends cause im a good person too, i was speaking to a close friend of mine and he told me that i should only surround myself with people who make me soft and bring out the sweetness in me instead of bitter and cold and that genuinely resonated with me cause i always seem to be putting a mask on infront of people and even some of my friends cause i feel as if i shouldn't let my guard down.

ive been putting my mind onto the music i want to listen to more these days and my mind always goes back to jhene aiko and umi, i love them both and their music always gets me feeling soft and spiritual, i strive to be like that too.. but anyway i wont forget to update tommorow !!

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 29/01/24

dear diary,

fear is such a weird thing? why do i care about what other people are doing and if i see them or if they perceive me,, i really shouldn't be having such limiting thoughts, i want to conquer all my social fears this week, i'm going to make it my goal.

today was very all over the place but i think it fell in place beautifully? even if it's not what i wanted. i think these days theres just comfort thinking in the air, as in how my clothes feel against my body or how the wind flows outside, the sound of the train station every morning, the squelchy noise my boots make every time i step on the pavement.. like that, is there a word for that? is it mindful thinking? i also want to focus on the present a lot this week.

my train ticket ended up declining this morning and for a moment it felt so humiliating but i then realised that it wasn't, i just had to put more money into my account and just move on, i now want to live like that. if it doesn't serve me i just move on with it.

i had mentoring today and it was so freeing to finally be able to discuss with a teacher why i struggle in certain lessons and how i can combat them,, now i just have to actual put that in practice

i also finally submitted a poetry piece into a college comp and im pretty proud of the piece ♡ i hope i have a chance of winning it but i also know that if i believe in myself i'll get the outcome that is most ideal

today was slightly anxiety inducing but mainly due to my own fears and self esteem, gives me something to work on~ i hope tommorow is a better day for myself.

its only 10am and today is already off to a bad start,, hopefully it gets better.. well let me trust in positivity ♡

Some pages from my journal

I make actual journal entries in my journal, too.

Random thoughts 18NOV20

I feel okay today, a little empty inside. I just want to know what I want, I want to make sure I have a plan. I’m taking my meds, I missed my appointment with my therapist because I was stupid and misplaced my wallet. Thankfully she was able to reschedule with this same week. I’m probably going to cry when I talk to her, though I feel the catharsis by itself will be beneficial. I just want to not worry.

Diary Blog: Letter to myself

"After years of overthinking and analysing I came to a conclusion about relationship. Exactly, why my relationships never lasts. You know, sometimes people doesn't put the same value to the things as you do. I'm not talking about romantical relationship, because you're going into that kind of attachment with some kind of expectations, you want love, just attachment maybe. I'm talking about friendships! I always kept my expectations low, as long I'm not expecting that person to do anything, I'm not overthinking. I remember telling someone to just text me whenever you can after your flight lands, they didn't even though they said they would! I waited the whole day and again realise why I don't have any expectations from people anymore. Expectations are the root of every problems. I don't think it's requires a lot of space or time to text someone, if any person couldn't find five seconds of their precious time to spend on the person they said their close friend, I can't stop myself thinking if I have any value in that person's life anymore. But at the same time I also think, no body is entitled to spend their time on anyone, there might be lot's of things that I don't know that they might be facing, struggling through. But I still can't stop myself from hoping. I can't stop myself from begging to have footnotes in their stories! I don't know I'm just incredibly heartbroken." I'm in dilemma!

A diary full of letters which I'll never publish 🍂🍂

Dairy Blog: Family

I don't think people realises how precious one's family is to them. For me family is home, home is where I can come back and be myself around my family, it's where I cry the most also where I feel the happiest! But most of the time I took them for granted believing they will be there for me forever & ever to forgive my past, my mistakes and my ignorance. So when I see people disrespecting my persons, i get so angry, so angry! I believe any relationship begins or more clearly to say the foundation of every relationship is faith and respect & love. But why we always disrespect our family, home so much? I put things down in disappointment when the people to whom I look up to, disrespect the humanity in me.Then the only thing i believe that all i can do is to break & burn things down. So, always treat your family, your home the way you would like to be treated with love & respect. I got nowhere to hide, to lick my wounds, please put my name on top of your list, handle my heart with care. Don't let it go! This is the last time.

february 1, 2025

IM ALIVE. IM ALIVE SO TODAY I ACTED LIKE IT.

january 31, 2025

so far this year, the only thing i’ve been is a disservice to the people around me. most days i’m too selfish to get out of bed.

january 30, 2025

my life is tied to your in the strongest of knots. no terrors could unravel us. you are too tangled into the depth of my soul.

january 29, 2025

you must’ve been mine for lifetimes. i must’ve taught you how to read, or ride a bike, or cook, or run. we must’ve met on the streets of ancient rome, or in passing jericho, or selling you a car in london, or teaching you to fight in sparta, or closing your tomb in egypt. i must’ve been your person every single lifetime.

january 28, 2025

i feel new. and fresh. and pure. and god it feels fleeting.

january 27, 2024

happiness feels a million miles away and thousands of years in the past.

january 26, 2025

hey wouldn’t it be cool if we were codependent on each other and you needed me just as much as i need you.

january 25, 2025

just because you are not mine, doesn’t mean i can’t wish you were.

january 24, 2025

i feel you in the sun shining down on my shoulders. in the breeze in my hair. in the tears on my cheeks. in the iron in my blood. in the taste on my tongue. in the scratch on my left shoulder. in bit marks down my neck. in your initial hanging from a chain around my neck.

january 23, 2025

i feel my innocence slip away like a peaceful afternoon after a dreadful week.

january 22, 2025

i have this terrible longing hiding inside my chest.

january 21, 2025

i miss you like orpheus misses eurydice.

january 20, 2025

when i can’t sleep at night, it is your memory playing in my head that keeps me awake.