Moving On - Blog Posts

Moving On

Reality sunk in, Imaginations came to an end. The chromatic life was now buried, The reign of truth finally flourished. The string of relations broken, Slowly strangled me to death. I said, I had already moved on, While I visited a new place wearing my old uniform. Bitterness is better than sweetness, they said, But I still wanted to read the chapters already read.

AND..

As I peeked through the closed doors, Confused between the two boats, I begged to find the pages I wrote, While I burned the ones they tore.

Really wanted to give Twi fangs and for Legend to have buck teeth

i'll keep drawing them that way for i have fallen in too deep

It came in bouts.

Terrible things happened when I was around five. My father had been abusing my mother in front of me. Verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, you name it he did it. That’s right around the time your memories start by the way. That was probably the first time I actually wanted to die. I didn’t understand it, but I’d play dead in my bedroom, hoping that if I laid there hard enough it would just… happen. Thought that I wouldn’t be missed. Who was gonna pay attention to a corpse when there was a screaming match outside your door, right? My parents divorced soon after, but my father still wasn’t done with causing damage, so he sabotaged my mother’s credit score. It’s hard to be happy kid when your mother is crawling into your bed at night as a child, not in fear of her own life, but later learning she was in fear for yours. And then when you finally see her no longer in fear for your lives you then see her bone tired and pushing herself to the limit to make rent and feed two growing kids, and get a college degree your father kept her from getting, all while working three jobs? Shit was rough. Ate a lot of tv dinners to get by for a while. Sometimes the toilet paper was more appetizing and cheaper at the time, so I would sometimes eat that like a little creature because it made the hunger stop for a little while.

When I was six I was sexually abused by a family member she trusted to watch us while at work.

I was abused again around that same age by my father’s girlfriend’s son, who was a large bit older than me, though it wasn’t as direct.

My dad would physically and verbally abuse me when I was over at his house for the weekends. He’d let his girlfriends do it too if, because they would try to be my “new mommy” and it wouldn’t work because their vibes were horrendous and they always assumed it was because they were taking away my dad’s attention from me, when he didn’t even give it to me in the first place if it wasn’t in his interests or to save face. Sometimes there were no snacks because he would always date almond moms who couldn’t stand us ‘free-grazing’. So sometimes I just went hungry, even when I was in a sport.

Things didn’t start getting better till I was around eight or nine. And not by much. I got diagnosed with ADHD, but my mental health issues got so much worse around puberty. I didn’t know how to make friends because I was so reclused into myself by that point. I kind of just did my own thing. Nobody really seemed to want to keep me around anyways, and I really tried.

Things were okay for awhile when I was ten and eleven.

When I was twelve my mental shit came to a head. I found a group of friends, but I had to annoy them in order to stick around. I was determined then. They ended up ditching me when I was way older anyways so that blew. I got braces. Started therapy. There were a lot of tears and old wounds reopened. At one point I was homeless and couch surfing because my dad refused to forfeit visitation rights even though he was evicted from his condo. That was a trip. Sometimes I would have to have a sleep over with a friend just to get a shower because he wouldn’t pay utilities. Sometimes when he was single there was nothing in the house to eat, and we would be stuck with nothing until he came home from work. Sometimes he would kick us out and lock us out of the house in the middle of the day during the Florida summers to make us “get off our lazy asses.”

Things didn’t start looking up really for my emotional state till I was about 14.

Then I turned 16 and one of my family members died. Was in a car accident while driving my first vehicle (wasn’t at fault. But damn. It was scary). After that things were better, but to be honest? They’re still kinda shit.

I’m 21 now.

So your answer?

Worst years of my life:

5yrs old - 9 yrs old

12 yrs old - 14 yrs old

16yrs old - 18yrs old

…and now I’m doing better. Not completely OK. Not even good really. but better than I can really remember being in a long ass while.

Nowadays I’m just stressed with school and work all the time. Not really super happy or fulfilled yet either, but I’m assuming that’s pretty normal for my generation.

How old were you at the lowest point in your life? Reblog this and put it in the tags, plus your current age maybe. I'm trying to see something.

When you show your significant other (of not that longish) your likes on Tumblr - and that set of wedding dress photos that you liked and forgot about (most likely when you were inebriated) is in the feed - so you quickly scroll past although you just spent a minute describing why you liked each and every one of the other posts....

Hi guys im getting desperate give me some drastic ways to move tf on from someone or give me foolproof revenge methods

Sincerely, someone who's been done dirty by the same boy twice

Normally don’t post this kind of thing but this is how I work through my emotions

Maybe we’re meant to be, or maybe we’re not.

Only time will tell

Forgive and forget

You are still mine. Not the current you, but the past you. That part of you, in that space of time, will always be mine.

Poetry At Most

I don’t want to, trust me, but I’ll be damned if they think of me as a fool.

“I’m going to have to give you up. And it’s the last thing I want to do.”

— but if I don’t let go now, I won’t make it

the hardest thing i had to do this year was not to remember you as the person who loved me in ways no one else ever had before but to remember you as the person who left me broken in ways i didn’t think i could break.

it doesn’t matter how you loved me, it matters how you left me.

Anger is easier to confront than sadness.

Fuck you is easier to say than I still love you.

“It’s so fucking painful, the thought of them together. I have never been a possessive person but the idea of him being with her just makes me feel a kind of pain I haven’t felt before.”

— why her and not me

I’ll be here waiting for you. I want you to know that if you ever decide that you want me, I’m here. I’ve always been incredibly stubborn much to my own dismay. And it’s not going to be any different this time. So I will wait for you. Maybe you will come back, probably you won’t. But I’m not going to stop waiting for you.

I’m not giving up on us.

I’m scared of that but...

Ariana Grande // better off

You caused the unholy war between my head and my heart.

– p.n.

I think it's depressing how attached we as people get to material things. We horde and store objects like they're loved ones or cherished memories. The biggest problem is that we can't help it. I love my things (at least most of them) and have trouble letting anything go because it either reminds me of something or I'm sure that I'll get to it in the future and when I do life will be better forever.

It's depressing and the fact that it's depressing is even more depressing.

Been in a really bad mental place for the last couple of day BUT today is a new day!!!! #mentalhealth #happy #pma #goodday #movingon