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Depressed - Blog Posts
You know those moments when things start to get really hard, and it feels lonely. Those moments when it feels like nothing is going your way? Yeah I'm sure we've all been there.😩😩🫥
The best thing to do in those situations is to trust. Trust that the storm won't last forever. Trust that things will get better because guess what? That is not the first time you're going though such a phase. If you look back you'll realise that you've gone though it before and you're proof that you came out of it alive. So what's persevering one more time? Because out of it you'll come back stronger. 🌱🌱
So guard your mind from those thoughts that try to convince it's the end or its going to be like this forever because it's not, it's just another new beginning waiting to start. See this as just another obstacles that you as the main character has to get through. Trust that you will get through this. Trust that it will get better because that is the nature of life. No winter lasts forever. You've got this!✨🦋🌸
Writer's note
It's been a long day. I've been called in to 2 job interviews, for which I'm happy beyond words but, other than that, oh boy, have I had a swell time?
I'll begin with something that's very close to me: literary work. Ever since I learnt how to write I've had a grand vision of my future. It's been my dream to be a great writer and I've always lived in this illusion that I'm good at it. But today I was rejected by a medium-sized company. No, not my professional application-- I wanted to be a volunteer. It's a quarterly magazine. So they said that they had my test writings checked by professionals and they found them inadequate in regards of grammar and authenticity.
The other thing is, well, literature, too. Remember when I said I've had this dream to be a great writer? Yeah, it pretty much fills every second minute of my waking hours. So here's the other story: Yesterday I recieved an answer to a query I sent to a seemingly fitting agent. She wrote that she feels honored (of course), that I contacted her, however, my work is not really for her. She (of course) encouraged me to keep on trying because she did not reject my book because of its general lack of genuineness but because of her own lack of enthusiasm about it. Yeah, it sucks. I know what you're thinking: Well what does one (1) agent matter anyway? Keep on trying, she said that too. So yes. Thank you. I've been trying. I've been trying for over a year with a total absence of fruition in any respect. I've re-written and polished my work but what does it matter now?
I've never said I'm a writer. Never to anyone. I've always believed humility is crucial and so I've never mentioned myself as a writer or artist. I didn't keep my writing a secret but I sure as rain was modest about it. Still, what I feel right now is this: I'm a complete wreck as a writer. Yeah, I'm a wreck that's for granted but why do I think I'm a writer. I never said I was and I've been constantly forcing myself not to consider myself as that. But in despair and disappointment my thoughts betray me. I'm just a sore loser and a presumptuous fool.
I'm not going to apologize for all the dismal things I've written because they aren't dismal. They're meant to teach you something. Well, who am I trying to lie to? They're meant to teach me something. Something I know and yet pretend to never have heard of. In all honesty I have a lot to learn and I've got to let go of big-faced concepts about myself. I'll be small. I'll remain small and I'll accept being that. I'm too young to be big and it takes some time to get rid of one's youth.
How to be afraid
Be afraid that you'll drop-out from school and you'll never find another one where you can fit in. Be utterly frightened that your book will never be published and that it's rubbish. Be genuinely fearful of the fact that your body can break-down in any minute because you have a disease that you think you're "too young for". Be worried about never finding a proper job. Be scared of never finishing anything. Be completely, undeniably and irreversebly drenched with fear and worries.
It's 00:12 here, in my parents' kitchen, where I write these lines, while listening to some classy music, that I invited to create the illusion of uppercase-life. But all this, around me, is built on I don't know what. I'm supposed to know, I ought to know but somehow I feel struck by worries. I've been the guy who never felt fear, the one who never regretted failure. But the ground has been shrinking under my feet and I wasn't paying attention and now I'm just floating in nothing. I feel miserable and defeated. My body is broken and so is my spirit. I know I shouldn't give in to the circumstances but I feel vulnerable and hurt. I'm immensely frightened.
Oh goodness, why am I saying this nonsense? This attitude in itself is the manifestation of everything I am against. The Bible says I should pray and do it with a thankful heart. It's extremely hard to do. But not impossible. I'm thankful for the love of my life (yes, I know we're young). I can't express how thankful I am for the promise of eternal life. This is something, that most of you can't put your fingers on. Well neither can I. But I feel that it is not a lie or fantasy. I believe because I have this splinter in my soul, shrieking: YOU'RE SAVED. And I am, indeed. My faith is not the one of the weak. It's the one of humans. Because none of us can fight or trick death. We all are subjects to it. We all are limited and vulnerable. We are creations. I find my hope and basically my life in the Creator of all of us. Even in these times. So, cheer up :)
How do I deal with the fact that I’ll never be who I want to be?
Every time I see news about a new piece of hate legislation, I want to curl up and cry. I don’t know if my life-entwined partner will ever be able to visit my family in Kansas again, especially since we have to go through Missouri and/or Iowa to get there.
It’s scary how many states went from “moderate risk in 2 years” to “worst active anti-trans laws” between December 2022 and May 2023. Most of these laws will be challenged, and many may be overturned. How many people are going to die in the meantime though? Even when laws are struck down by the courts, will people ever feel safe there again? How long until those laws are replaced by new ones that are just as bad but more subtle, or until people don’t have the energy and money to keep fighting against them?
When we moved to Oregon in 2019, we always planned eventually to move back "home" to Pennsylvania, the state where, before that, I'd spent all but a year of my life since we moved there in '88.
Today, I'm going to have a conversation with my partners. I think we just have to assume I -- we -- can't go home.
Maybe ever.
Pennsylvania itself is in a low-risk category within two years, but it could easily -- well I know it -- swing into red if the next election cycle breaks another way.
That's not the kind of place where you buy the house that you intend them to "take you out of toes first," as I joked with my wives when we last talked about our plans.
That's what these laws mean to people like me. They mean "the state you consider home might become actively hostile to you within the next 5 years, so you can't plan to buy a home there." They mean "you shouldn't even board a plane that has a likelihood of having a layover in Florida, and you're definitely not going to repeat your 2019 drive across the country, one of the best and worst experiences of your life and the most time you've gotten to spend with your brother in one week since you graduated from high school." They mean half the states in this country are actively hostile to you, legally speaking, in a way you thought was finally behind you.
Sometime soon, I'm going to call my mother and tell her that we're not planning on moving back.
I don't have a clever closing line for this. I'm just sad.
*wakes up*
Wow I em sad
Ok but how do I actually feel better? Like how tf doin cope?
I was just lying here, listening to sad music, feeling like shit when I thought, "This isn't rlly helping, I need to do smth else" and then I realised that I have no idea what else I could do...tips? Something?
Me: I can't b depressed, I don't want to kill myself kind of
Also me: Why do I feel like I'm about to burst into tears all the time? Hmmmm🤔
There's something wroooong 👁-👁🤙
Everything feels very fucking wrong rn
Everyone my age I meet has done so much, won awards, done crazy shit, made friends, been a part of a community, traveled, lived...and I've done almost nothing, I've left almost no mark on the world. I know I still I have time, but I can't help from feeling incredibly behind
Don't know how accurate these r, but it's reassuring nonetheless that I'm not imagining it.
I don't want to sleep bc I don't want to start another day & I don't want to b awake bc I can't b bothered to derive pleasure from anything
Wow, depression tumblr has a less memes than ED tumblr.
Ik I shouldn't b surprised, but here we r
I put all this energy into telling myself I need to b productive and paint or clean or go for a walk until I finally do smth
Yet by the end of the day nothing has rlly changed and nothing rlly got done and it's all the same
I realized that the only way someone would ever actually love me and want to be with me is if they didn’t even exist and were a figment of my imagination. The realization sort of hit me really hard and I don't think I’ve ever felt so painfully hurt, unwanted, and so utterly alone. Because not even my own mother seems to love and want me. It kind of changes everything now. I might as well be dead. I’ll end up living a life in my head anyway. What kind of existence even is that? Not one I want..
Last night was one of the worst. I just couldn’t stop crying cuz somebody close to me almost died. Thankfully everything turned out fine in the end but it really took a toll on me. I couldn’t sleep so I tried reading a book but that just made me cry more. Life is hard innit </3
Suing my parents.
I'm suing my parents for giving birth to me without my consent.
He left
He did exactly he said he will never do. He left too. He told me he is tired of me constantly crying and being 'filmy'. I asked him to leave he did and he blamed me for that he said that he is leaving because I told him to. What the fuck could I do? He was tried of me.
I'm Just Going to Rant
Let me be the first to lay my hand on the "White-Girl Bible" and say "I Can't Even." I miss my fucking family. I want a cigarette. And dear god I miss sleeping. Why can't drugs and alcohol cure the memories and all the bad situations. I want to be thinner. Yet, I want to eat all the food my heart desires without a tummie ache. I can't hear my own thoughts anymore. It feels like I can't even escape to the privacy of my head. I feel as if I have no privacy. I'm sick of people not listening. And I'm sick of being tired. And also tired of being sick. I want the love again. I want the freedom to say "yes" and the freedom to say "no." I feel as if I don't have a choice anymore. I don't want to fall victim to someone else's will. Doesn't my opinion matter? Or does the fact that I have a vagina prohibit me from having an opinion. I hate skipping school. But I hate the way school makes me want to hurl myself off a cliff. I'm scared to look in mirrors anymore. I want to be pretty. I'm tired of seeing a sad girl who doesn't like anything about herself. I miss being called beautiful. I miss my Dad. I wish people didn't joke about suicide. I wish people understood. I can't handle anyone's "problems" anymore. I just can't relate to them. My life is a fucking plane crash: awful, messy, and burning everyone alive. Why should I have to trade my confidence for love? Shouldn't being loved make you confident? I can't do this.
