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Dark And Moody - Blog Posts
I am at 69 posts and I am overjoyed at the humorous sexual implication. And, as with any joy, I wish to share it with the world; to scream it from the rooftops for all to hear. Thrilled, I rush to my keyboard to quickly type out a short joke. However, I am met with a dilemma: if I make a post about it, the source of my joy will be no more, as it will be my 70th post. But, if I don't make a post, no one will ever know that it even existed in the first place.
So I must choose: should I commemorate this beautiful moment and, by doing so, end it? Or should I preserve this moment forever, but never celebrate it? Which kind of death is more real? To die in public or live in secret?
I save the post as a draft and promise myself that I'll come back and choose. I come back but I don't choose. The post just grows longer and longer as I promise myself, again and again, that I'll make a choice next time. If I can just perfect it, if I can just string together a flawless sequence of words for my thoughts, then the correct choice will be obvious - then I won't need to live in this moment forever.
My therapist tells me this is a recurring thing for me: to be caught between wanting to live in yesterday and wanting to control tomorrow. I think I'm scared of change. I think I feel small. I think I'm scared of being alone. I think I feel small. I think I try to control the things I'm scared of. I think I feel small. I think I try to bottle and taxidermize joy instead of feeling it. I think I feel small. I think showing people my joy is a proxy for feeling it. I think I feel small. I think death scares me but I don’t know which kind scares me more.
On one hand, I wish I could live in the moment and celebrate today instead of trying to preserve it. I wish that I spent more time making decisions and less time deciding. Despite being obsessed with time, I rarely cherish or enjoy it. On the other hand, I wish I didn’t need to publicly celebrate my time. I wish I could just enjoy something without advertising my joy. I don’t feel comfortable feeling anything unless you see it.
Caught between two bad coping mechanisms for deeper fears ways to cheat death, I think the only good choice is to delete this post, to accept that a beautiful thing happened (past tense) and to love it for an unimportant moment by my unimportant self. I think the only good choice is to love and live myself, even if I can’t do either forever. But, if you are seeing this post, you already know what choice I made. And, if you aren’t seeing this post, then you never knew that I made a choice to begin with. To you, dear reader, this post exists in quantum superposition - live and dead, made and unmade - until you read it. Like Schrodinger's cat, I exist in the blur between yesterday and tomorrow; I only live or die when you look.
About a year ago now is when Josh McCausland and I first wrapped production of the Color of a Mirror soundtrack, and sent it off for pressing! (The above photo is an abstract shot of the first test pressing sleeve.)
After the post the other day about the Full Moon Bundle (containing the limited vinyl release) I wanted to take a moment of special mention for this soundtrack and what it means to me.
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One of my biggest loves (and frustrations) of a show or video game is the music. When it’s done right, it’s one of those things that gives you chills, and you can’t wait to return to that universe, can’t wait to hear that title card music at the start of the next episode. (Like launching the original Mass Effect and hearing that menu music.) On the flip side, it can derail the whole experience for me… or at least make it far less memorable, because music often sets the scene for me.
This extends to when I’m writing, as well. Depending on the mood or the emotion, I’ll find different songs that fit that character or scene. And then lots of times, I’ll have that selection on repeat for a few days. Haha.
So being able to collaborate with a composer on the sound of this dark cyberpunk universe I’d been writing for a handful of years, trying to pull on all those ambient/sci-fi/industrial influences but also create something that felt new, something that could be listened to while you’re reading or on its own… it was really an amazing experience, and I couldn’t be prouder of what we came up with!
It all started with just two images that I sent to Josh; I said, “This is the vibe.” (He hadn’t read the book at that point, and I was thinking he was just going to make a single promo song for me.) When he came back to me with about ten different options, making it super difficult to choose, I knew the project had to be a full album. Iterating back and forth with him and seeing his process, taking some of those initial hooks and tying them together… so much fun!
The title track “Color of a Mirror” was one of those original concepts that I just couldn’t get enough of. The sound for the rest of the album was really born there, I think.
All in all, it’s such an honor to see my vision of this novel through someone else’s skill and expertise in an entirely different discipline. Such a pleasure, and I cannot wait to work on Vol. 2 together!
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Check out the soundtrack on Bandcamp to give Josh some love:
(Also available on major streaming platforms.)
And if you want to check out the book as well, head over to my website.
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Thanks for reading!
-Daniel
Full moon today... looking up at a full moon is always one of those times when I feel the scale of the solar system and planets more acutely, and naturally it gets me thinking about science fiction and outer space. For those in the northern hemisphere, we're also a month into very warm summer, which has me dreaming of somewhere dark and cold more often than not.
Put these two things together, and we have the first ever sale bundle for my debut novel Color of a Mirror and its accompanying soundtrack! Set on the moon in a subterranean cyberpunk city, it's the perfect antidote to too much heat and not enough jacket weather. Add in the dark ambient soundtrack, and it's as close as you can get to actually being there.
And so... The Full Moon Bundle.
If you purchase the Hardcover Novel, the Vinyl Soundtrack, and the E-book all together, you automatically get 25% off all three! No sign-ups or anything necessary; just go to the purchase page for any of those three items, and you'll find an option to purchase the bundle.
If you want a psychological noir sci-fi mystery that Kirkus Reviews called "intricate, next-generation cyberpunk, with a head-spinning finale," check out the link below! There's never been a better time to wander into The Dive.
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Now the night is falling You have gone Sad dreams blow through dark trees Love's gone wrong Clouds of sadness raining all night long Love's gone...
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I Float Alone ~ Julee Cruise
nightfall.gif
around 12:15 am
"Even as the seasons change, nature moves within itself. Its colossal power and its delicate beauty, in perfect harmony. Perfectly, cosmically, sane. Though periodically, nature will, in a kind of psychotic fit, go completely…randomly…mad."
Twister (1996) teaser trailer opening
"Home is where you come when you run out of places."
Clash by Night (1952) dir. Fritz Lang
w i n d s w e p t