Last Seen 20:47

They need to invent a locking in that is permanent

babe your suffering is not noble. your self destructive habits do not make you cool. your self loathing does not make you fun to be around. go for a walk. drink some water. wash your hair. i promise you can be happy and loved.

flowers for my lovelies

sometimes when you look at someone and think “ughhh i wish that was me” what you’re really feeling isn't jealousy. you don’t want to be them. you want to feel like you but braver, freer, softer, louder, whatever they’re reminding you of

we grow up being told to compete but healing girlhood teaches that you can feel inspired without feeling small. you can let someone’s light show you where yours is dim. you can see beauty in someone else and use it as a mirror, not a measuring stick

so next time you feel that burn in your chest, pause and ask yourself: what part of me is waking up when i look at them? what dream of mine are they unknowingly touching? because that’s not jealousy. that’s a version of you (not yet born) whispering “hey! we could do that too <3”

i hope you are haunted by every mention of me

i see your name everywhere

you surround me in inconsequential settings

the teacher asks me to read aloud from the article, and the authors name makes me choke

my friend talks excitedly about her new tennis coach, and i pathetically, desperately, think that somehow you have travelled 417.8 miles and learnt a new sport

your name is used in a maths problem and i think this is so daft he could run way faster than that, and i sit there like a fool in the exam hall surrounded by shame and silence and the echoes of you

the curse of having a niche name is that i know you will probably never hear mine

you will never stop dead at 11:24 on the train home because someone has just laughed my name into their phone

you will never read a book where my name is the name of a main character, and wonder if i have read this book too

you will never come across my name spray painted in accusing red, begging you not to forget me

but maybe this is a blessing in disguise

you will never become numb to me

whenever you do hear my name it will be brutal and raw and painful

i hope

your brother will say 'i heard she got a boyfriend' and your mum will say 'i called her the other day and she was worrying about her exams' and your grandmother will say 'she might come visit london this summer'

and you will stop dead in the bright lights of the kitchen and watch everyone turn around you

and you will picture me in my blue room with the purple pyjamas i wore that night i was twelve,

and you will know that i will always be a part of you

What prompts you to write poetry?

honestly i don't really have a good answer for this. i'm not even sure what i write qualifies as poetry, it's most just my ramblings to myself. i just think of lines or concepts i want to write and then write it. poetry isn't something we get asked to write in our english classes, so i don't write very much. but every now and again i think of a line and then the rest of the poem just kind of writes itself? in my head?

oops! it seems i tripped and dropped several million free books, papers, and other resources

https://annas-archive.org

https://sci-hub.se

https://z-lib.is

https://libgen.is

https://libgen.rs

https://www.pdfdrive.com

https://library.memoryoftheworld.org

https://monoskop.org/Monoskop

https://libcom.org

https://libretexts.org

http://classics.mit.edu

https://librivox.org

https://standardebooks.org

https://www.gutenberg.org

https://core.ac.uk

they hate me for my joy and whimsy. and also the fact that my music is super loud and i am dropping chocolate cookie crumbs on their notes. but mostly by charming and endearing aura. but also kind of the fact that i keep complaining that i'm bored and i want to go for a walk. but at the end of the day its because of the skip in my step, the sparkle in my eye, and the joy in my heart.

insanely late update on how this went but whatever.

☑ tune cello

☑ finish job application for local bookshop

☑ print off emails about work experience

managed to sort out log in so i didn't need to

☑ attend both work experience events today

☑ minimum 40 minutes music practice

literally played three chromatic scales and that was it

☑ try make sure i have to to eat lunch

☑ sort out some files from the stuff i won't need next year

don't even have a good reason i was just being lazy

Also went up to the phone store to see if my phone was nearly fixed which I had been putting off, and I bought myself a boba tea to reward myself, no pics because as above PHONE BROKEN!!

02/06/25

posting this to promise to myself that I will actually get something done today

☑ tune cello

☑ finish job application for local bookshop

☑ print off emails about work experience

☑ attend both work experience events today

☑ minimum 40 minutes music practice

☑ try make sure i have to to eat lunch

☑ sort out some files from the stuff i won't need next year

the unsent project

i like to browse the unsent projects messages, and make myself feel sad over all the lost love in the world

i search up my name over and over, obsessively

i search up your name over and over, obsessively

they say we reflect the love we are shown

and maybe there is something in that, because when i look up your name there are hundreds of messages

and when i look up mine

there are two

i sent some of the messages to you

and when i scroll through every dark green one catches my eye

and the really pathetic thing is that i don't remember which ones i sent

maybe what we had wasn't so special if i am mistaking others messages for mine

i dont know

but i do know that you probably never search for my name

and you have certainly never sent me a message